Wanted and Wanting

There's something extremely fragile about a women's soul. For us, I don't think it's necessarily the acts of sinning that make us crumble but the aftermath…the emotional torrent that comes with it. For instance, the pain behind having pre-marital sex, in my opinion, is not the fact or guilt that you did the act but the overwhelming nag in your mind that you are unwanted, not worth loving or staying with and that something is wrong with you. The guy always leaves. There’s no feeling compared to waking up and knowing he’s gone and feeling abandoned. Women lose massive amounts of self-respect which leads to codependency putting them in a tail-chasing battle of seeking in someone or somewhere - or anything - a sense of feeling worth it. This is the battle of, I’d say, the majority of women. We want to be wanted, we wanted to be fought for, we want to be…I don’t know…loved. I’m not even just saying men. I’m saying seeking worth in the acceptance of parents, teachers, friendships, co-workers, materialist items. Even exhausting yourself in doing so much to help the poor and needy because it’s a time of numbing what’s really going on inside. Maybe I’m wrong but seeing myself and all the women I’ve ministered to and been around – this is the internal war in all we do. A journey of wanting to be loved.

Depression. I think this last year I was probably more depressed than I realized I was. And I'm having to really fight having it laced through this year as well. I became bitter. I would find comfort through food, sleeping, trying to fix every one's problems but my own. And to be honest, I'm just now learning how to do that. How to not be codependent that is. I'm not defined by my parents breaking up. That has nothing to do with me. I'm not defined by being a nanny, or not being so "successful" (whatever that is suppose to mean), I'm not defined by not having a boyfriend, and I won't be when I do have one. But you know what? Deep down, I feel as if I am defined by these things sometimes. Just like all of us can get all hyped up and say, "My worth is in Jesus! I'm not defined by anything but the Cross!!" But way deep down, I didn't get the cross. I didn't understand it. If I really did, if you really did, don't you think that we'd live as if it were all true. That it really was Truth. That God in the flesh really did come down from Heaven, despite our wickedness, despite the blasphemy, and had His flesh riped off so that we could live? What does it even mean to live? To live by this Truth? Man, if I truly believed that my worth was defined in what He did for me would I be this bitter about my parents being divorced? Sure, I can be sad about it but I've greatly let it affect me. If I truly believed that I was defined by Christ would I go immediately to food to find comfort or just crawl up in my bed because that's all I could think of to do. If you were defined by and found your worth in the fact that God didn't just send another flood through His frustration and wrath to have us drown but sent His only Son to be spit upon and cursed at would you still go drink more of that alcohol, would you put the phone down before you called that one boy to find comfort, would you still drive over to his house to, then, only give up your body in a desperation to feel like someone really loves you? Would you see your body as beautiful and glorifying because it was He who made it? Would that change the way you treat it, respect it and take cautious care of it? Maybe I could really find that joy, that happiness, that pleasure, that satisfation in a cross that is freely given to me. I don't have to do anything or prove myself but lay the bondage of all my selfish gain in His blood. Dang.

What would it be like to truly live? To get up each morning and meet with the Creator of this universe in hopes that He might meet with us. To not be defined by the sadness, hurt, frustration, confusion, sickness, or loneliness but to really get up, make choices today like my days are actually numbered, and start truly believing this "Truth" that you so argue with people about. We may know but do we really know? To live freely is to finally...finally not be in bondage anymore about what's happened to me, what will happen to me, where I'm at now or where I will be. To live for Christ. To, in all things, make Him look great. Even if I'm dying of cancer. Even if I lose all my money. Even if I never get to go back to school. Even if I never get married. Even if I can't feed my children. Even if I can't feed myself. Even if my family dies. Hard, huh? Yes. Hard. Very hard. But it goes back to the reason of why we were here. My health is grace, family is grace, marriage is grace, school is grace, life is grace. But none of it you or I deserve. I am here to glorify God and Him alone. The beginning of change, first, starts with our attitude towards all things. Entitlement. You, nor I, am entitled to anything.

For us women, we can say and know that God wants us. The Creator who made all things wants us. Personally wants all of us. But we seek out all pleasure and joy and worth in a world of men that will continually fail us. A world of people, items, and circumstances that will war against the very reason we were created.

But do we want Him? Really? Maybe so but living in God’s beautiful and protective sovereignty is a much thicker jungle to walk through than it is to go drink 10 beers or climb into bed with a man. The freedom of wanting God and actively doing something on a daily basis to find it smells so nice. To have self-respect and self-worth again because of what Jesus did for me is what I desire. But is that desire enough to battle? I suppose, we are at war with ourselves. God is waiting for us to just come.

I’m begging for God’s help. I need Him and I really want to want Him more than the temporary; self-destructive; mind-numbing; sleep-depriving buffet that this world offers.