Wanted and Wanting

There's something extremely fragile about a women's soul. For us, I don't think it's necessarily the acts of sinning that make us crumble but the aftermath…the emotional torrent that comes with it. For instance, the pain behind having pre-marital sex, in my opinion, is not the fact or guilt that you did the act but the overwhelming nag in your mind that you are unwanted, not worth loving or staying with and that something is wrong with you. The guy always leaves. There’s no feeling compared to waking up and knowing he’s gone and feeling abandoned. Women lose massive amounts of self-respect which leads to codependency putting them in a tail-chasing battle of seeking in someone or somewhere - or anything - a sense of feeling worth it. This is the battle of, I’d say, the majority of women. We want to be wanted, we wanted to be fought for, we want to be…I don’t know…loved. I’m not even just saying men. I’m saying seeking worth in the acceptance of parents, teachers, friendships, co-workers, materialist items. Even exhausting yourself in doing so much to help the poor and needy because it’s a time of numbing what’s really going on inside. Maybe I’m wrong but seeing myself and all the women I’ve ministered to and been around – this is the internal war in all we do. A journey of wanting to be loved.

Depression. I think this last year I was probably more depressed than I realized I was. And I'm having to really fight having it laced through this year as well. I became bitter. I would find comfort through food, sleeping, trying to fix every one's problems but my own. And to be honest, I'm just now learning how to do that. How to not be codependent that is. I'm not defined by my parents breaking up. That has nothing to do with me. I'm not defined by being a nanny, or not being so "successful" (whatever that is suppose to mean), I'm not defined by not having a boyfriend, and I won't be when I do have one. But you know what? Deep down, I feel as if I am defined by these things sometimes. Just like all of us can get all hyped up and say, "My worth is in Jesus! I'm not defined by anything but the Cross!!" But way deep down, I didn't get the cross. I didn't understand it. If I really did, if you really did, don't you think that we'd live as if it were all true. That it really was Truth. That God in the flesh really did come down from Heaven, despite our wickedness, despite the blasphemy, and had His flesh riped off so that we could live? What does it even mean to live? To live by this Truth? Man, if I truly believed that my worth was defined in what He did for me would I be this bitter about my parents being divorced? Sure, I can be sad about it but I've greatly let it affect me. If I truly believed that I was defined by Christ would I go immediately to food to find comfort or just crawl up in my bed because that's all I could think of to do. If you were defined by and found your worth in the fact that God didn't just send another flood through His frustration and wrath to have us drown but sent His only Son to be spit upon and cursed at would you still go drink more of that alcohol, would you put the phone down before you called that one boy to find comfort, would you still drive over to his house to, then, only give up your body in a desperation to feel like someone really loves you? Would you see your body as beautiful and glorifying because it was He who made it? Would that change the way you treat it, respect it and take cautious care of it? Maybe I could really find that joy, that happiness, that pleasure, that satisfation in a cross that is freely given to me. I don't have to do anything or prove myself but lay the bondage of all my selfish gain in His blood. Dang.

What would it be like to truly live? To get up each morning and meet with the Creator of this universe in hopes that He might meet with us. To not be defined by the sadness, hurt, frustration, confusion, sickness, or loneliness but to really get up, make choices today like my days are actually numbered, and start truly believing this "Truth" that you so argue with people about. We may know but do we really know? To live freely is to finally...finally not be in bondage anymore about what's happened to me, what will happen to me, where I'm at now or where I will be. To live for Christ. To, in all things, make Him look great. Even if I'm dying of cancer. Even if I lose all my money. Even if I never get to go back to school. Even if I never get married. Even if I can't feed my children. Even if I can't feed myself. Even if my family dies. Hard, huh? Yes. Hard. Very hard. But it goes back to the reason of why we were here. My health is grace, family is grace, marriage is grace, school is grace, life is grace. But none of it you or I deserve. I am here to glorify God and Him alone. The beginning of change, first, starts with our attitude towards all things. Entitlement. You, nor I, am entitled to anything.

For us women, we can say and know that God wants us. The Creator who made all things wants us. Personally wants all of us. But we seek out all pleasure and joy and worth in a world of men that will continually fail us. A world of people, items, and circumstances that will war against the very reason we were created.

But do we want Him? Really? Maybe so but living in God’s beautiful and protective sovereignty is a much thicker jungle to walk through than it is to go drink 10 beers or climb into bed with a man. The freedom of wanting God and actively doing something on a daily basis to find it smells so nice. To have self-respect and self-worth again because of what Jesus did for me is what I desire. But is that desire enough to battle? I suppose, we are at war with ourselves. God is waiting for us to just come.

I’m begging for God’s help. I need Him and I really want to want Him more than the temporary; self-destructive; mind-numbing; sleep-depriving buffet that this world offers.

I have a....vision

I don't even really know how to start this. I'm pretty sure no one reads this which is kind of cool. It lets me express what I want to say without the nag in the back of my mind that people or, rather, certain people are reading. Eh, heck, who cares anyway? I have no secrets. Especially since this last year caused me to lay my body in the street and beg for help. Also, getting a mentor that has kicked my ass. It's been a journey for sure.

I re-read the last post that I put up (last June!...wow!) and it felt very familiar. What I mean is, right now feels a lot like what I felt in those years. Depression. Hurt. Confusion. Brokenness. In 2008, my parents got a divorce. I feel like I talk about this and everything else that has occured a lot with friends, counselor and mentors so we won't really go into all of that. Maybe later. Maybe not. Anyway, I was thinking tonight about some dreams I have. Goals. Wants. Places in life that feel warm, free, and in the element of who I was created to be. Now, I don't have any plans of success or lots of money or sitting next to the Jolie-Pitts at the Academy Awards because, frankly, I could care less and find no happiness in any of that. You know what I would love? More than anything? To transform my body into a man.....haha... Just kidding. That was probably completely uncalled for but (side note) I just watched this documentary on "The Pregnant Man" (who was born a female and changed the outside of the body to look male but kept all her..his... female reproductive organs) and that's where my mind is at because it's SO OUTRAGEOUS! Ok, now back on track... I'd love to find restoration in God's goodness. To recognize, breathe, be passionate over and see the shadows of grace in all areas of life. To not be defined by what's happened to me or what I've done. To let the blood of Jesus be my means and strength in everything I do. To seek out glorifying Him in all things. ALL THINGS. That's the first dream I have which, inevitably, pours into the rest of them.

I have this twisted mindset that it's impossible for men to be faithful. That it's implanted in them, the drive and desire, to seek out more and want more than the beautiful wife God has given him. This doesn't even necessarily mean going out and physically committing adultery. I'm saying, a man who comes home, drops his bag at the door, says hi to the kids, kisses his wife, goes upstairs to change, locks the door and, then, becomes engrossed in mind-destructive pornography and, thus, having no energy to be there to embrace, hold, and be intimate with the REAL body that lays beside him at night. Maybe this is because I've had really crappy examples for husbands and, also, heard my whole life from most of my guy friends that it's been or is an issue. Even though I have trust issues the more I grow I am slowly but surely seeing the good in men. Especially at The Village...but that's another blog. There's a little hope in me that some men, maybe, just maybe, desire nothing more after a day of missing his family at work than to kiss his children and hold his wife from behind as he sees her setting the table. A man that is there. Always there. A man that is passionate, thoughtful, people-serving, selfless, teachable, wise, loving, and merciful. A man that accepts my faults, my junk, my imperfections and, to say, loves me more for them. A man that has contagious humor and makes everyone laugh in the room. A man who I will serve, help, respect, love and brag about. A man that I know will, with no doubt, ever... ever seek out affection from another women or get wrapped up in his false imagination that the wicked computer screens puts off. I just know this kind of man exists. But, here I am, asking a lot of help from a lot of people and seeking out a ton of wisdom so that I can find unshakable hope and joy in the Father's Son and, thus, in return, give my man what he deserves and needs. Now on to some more dreams...

I have always wanted to travel. All over the world. I'd love to for like a year or two pack up all my furniture in storage and leave with a couple suitcases with my husband and go. I want to go to Africa and help out with many orphanages. I want to go to India and tell the widows that they are loved and are not outcasts. I want to go to Europe just because I've always wanted too. I want to go to Ireland and go to the church plant that The Village has planted there. I want to see it all. But of course this little 2 year trip may cost money. I'll start taking donations...now.

I want a gigantic family. Seriously. I would love...LOVE to have like 12 children. One part of me is a tiny bit scared to raise even one child the way the world is, and is continuing to go but I have this crazy dream about raising all this children to be the light that this world is so craving to see. Children that breathe Scripture, fight for Truth, fight for justice for the poor. Children that long to help each other, serve others, and know that they are loved by a compassionate God that placed Himself on this earth, despite their wickedness, to show them how they can live life to the fullest and spend eternity with Him by the cross of Christ. Children that will never know what I've been through. I would love to stay home with my children and raise them by God's grace with a husband that I never before thought existed. I would love to have a massive, God-fearing, loud, soul-mingling family. I would love to have a relationship with my husband that is (although a blessing) not wrapped around having these children. That we are grossly affectionate and passionate for one another. I want to cuddle at 87 years old. I want to die living out exactly what Jesus came on this earth for. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to wake up early in the morning before my family does and meet with the Creator. I want to be defined by Him and what the resurrection brought all my days, not wasting one. Man, I so want this.