Life's battle is not in conquering loneliness, making more money, losing weight, making a spouse or friendship honor us, being in school, or raising "good" children. The battle is beyond moral symptoms but is looking into the dark parts of our heart that has created an expectation of ourselves and others that is impossible to meet without submitting to the sufficency of what came out of the cross. What we are owned and defined by drives all circumstances and behaviors. "Attempting to walk in sanctification without being changed by and driven by the Gospel is like trying to write with a pen where the ink has been taken out."

Respectful Living

I've realized I most respect people who:

20) use eye contact when having a conversation

19) live uncomfortably. This is not to say that they sell everything and sleep on the street with a sleeping bag. I'm saying, people who get out there and serve. And do dirty work for free. And go on the streets and talk to gangsters. And who volunteer at a jail. And foster an abused child.

18) are not passive-aggressive. biggest pet peeve ever.

17) are thankful

16) can actually live in Louisiana

15) are consist in their thinking, in their actions, and in their beliefs. Sounds simple. But it is incredibly hard to find.

14) have a dry wit. And use it well.

13) run from melancholy complacency

12) are not afraid to confront with the intent TO MAKE IT RIGHT. This includes apologizing

11) shake hands with confidence

10) feverishly push past their weaknesses

9) have a love for reading

8) can exegetically explain Scripture

7) treat customer service, their waiter, their grocery clerk with dignity

6) don’t rely on their parents for complete stability emotionally and financially

5) puts themselves into counseling (few submit to the fact that they need this. even fewer get in it.)

4) have goals

3) are aware of where they struggle and can speak openly about it

2) don’t take themselves too seriously

1) are on to something

autobiography

I am finishing up my BA online. My first assignment was to write up an autobiography. Thought I'd share it.

The Hitch and the Refuge


As a child your playtime; family; school; relatives; and even dysfunction and abuse is your normality. The only radar that saves most children later in life is this God-placed hitch within, a recognition of a problem, that something is very wrong. Something is not how it is suppose to be. My name is Sarah Welsh and I grew up a Pastor’s kid. Raised in south Texas being moved to north Texas and then later west Texas. This was my world. Being moved around; constantly making new friends; and keeping in childhood abuse from staying at several friends’ homes starting at a very early age. This began a journey that has been my constant to conquer.
My father was a Pastor; my mother played piano. My sister (who is 4.5 years older) received much attention from every school she attended. She is incredibly talented with a voice that, I feel, could become famous very quickly. More than jealously by her getting all the attention from my parents and her peers; it created in me a numbness. Almost an indifference. A numbness to being distant with my family, to not getting the praise as my sister always did, a numbness to rejection, and also grief. What I did know was that I wanted out. Out of the hypocrisy that I lived in as my dad was a minister and out of the chaos. I graduated high school early to get away quickly, as that hitch in me grew more and more that I had a purpose elsewhere. Funds fell through to attend a school in south Texas so I had to remain home where I quickly fell into depression. I got a job working at Old Navy that gave me a community to help my slump of an attitude on life but it was all still difficult as my friends who were still in high school or graduated quickly moved on. I got accepted to another school and moved the following year which was an incredible experience the first year. Again, funds fell through and I had to drop out putting me completely on my own. I moved to several homes during a time where my parents got a divorce which lead to all kinds of lies being dug up from their last 30 years of marriage and my first 21 years of life. Both of my Grandmothers died within a 3-week-period and the uncertainty of who I was or what I was to do became horribly confusing, frustrating and tiresome.
The last 3 years have been difficult, have been challenging but have also been incredibly rewarding. Even though I had grown up in a Christian home; beliefs were, ultimately, based off moralistic doings rather than God saving His children with grace by no merit of their own. So my heart quickly grew hard towards the church because I never felt like I could get it together. I was sold a God who wanted me to do right from wrong rather than one that accepted me for who I was and, with that, sanctifying me from the inside out. Learning what the true Gospel message is has been my joy. I have grown an independence and a self-worth through this time. I have had to mature very quickly that has been, now in hindsight, a blessing as I see people all around me who have experienced little sorrow and, when tested, would have no idea how to handle it. I am a nanny now to a little boy that I have been taking care of for the last 2 years. It has been a great joy and love of mine to see this little guy grow a tender heart for Jesus and a love for the Bible. I have a wonderful church where I have found safety and community. I have found a family here in Texas that have taken me in and loved me unconditionally. I have friends and a support system that have reshaped and taught me that temporary and superficial friendships are not friendships and that life is too short to sulk and continue on without getting help to conquer the turmoil and addictions. While at my church I have lead a group of about 13 women that are broken and confused, just as I was for so long, but have seen much healing in the midst of breaking through those walls of what they saw as their normality. I am thankful to be back in school, even if online, to finish up my degree to, Lord willing, become a counselor and do much with my life for God’s glory and to help lead people in finding their self-worth. I hope to continue to teach hurting women into a life that is not defined by chaos and that the hitch that was there in the beginning will be tapped into for the sake of our future generations not knowing the dysfunction we had to lead. In my singleness, in my marriage, in my last breathes I hope to help, love and encourage with the mercy of the cross of Christ that has healed me and is continuing to heal me.

I think there is nothing more sad than parents who engrave in their children an arrogance that, ultimately, teaches to be indifferent to the pain and brokenness that completely surrounds them. Seriously. Think about the mass amount of issues that has branched from this idea.

I'm very observant of parents now that I am a full-time caretaker of a child and the most frequent things I see are: gossip around the kids (especially to slander the other parent), ignoring the child for long periods of time due to being attached to the cell phone (and when the kid is going crazy they either get hit or screamed at for their behavior due to not getting attention), TV, just plain "busyness", and alcohol. How can a child learn to communicate, love, invest in, and notice the hurt around the world or even a friend if you communicate to them that nothing, even their own child, matters except getting done or doing what you need to do FOR YOU. It's sad and heartbreaking. More of these technology advances and stress of success will kill the future generations. You can only numb yourself for so long with making money and a new car. A child will reap the chaos of most parents lack of playfulness and communication and then they will become them. Amazing what would happen if children learned to wrap presents at Christmas for other children. Amazing what would happen if parents put down their cell phones. Amazing what would happen if the TV was turned off. I pray for my generation and their kids. God help us.

Only Hope

the Maker of the oceans cares. has compassion. loves unconditionallly. is patient. gives mercy. forgives. understands. died to save us from ourselves. No man, no woman, no husband, no wife, no child, no mother, no father can match that love. My heart does not want to believe this sometimes so I search for worth and acceptance in numerous idols - in things that have no idea how to heal my wounds or give me, other than temporary, relief. My soul quickly finds rest in the safety of the cross. He wants to give is life; not take it away! God help me in this journey. I want to cling to Your grace! I'm praying for all those where Christmas brings more sadness than joy. Where loneliness stings more than ever. Where sleep is lost. You are not alone and loved more than you know. I promise.

Katie interviewed my mom and I on the death of my faithful Grandad

THE RIPPLE EFFECT:

How the Death of a Family Member Impacts Lives Directly and Indirectly

 

    Losing a grandparent is always a difficult part of transitioning into adulthood. But for Sarah Welsh, the most difficult aspect of her grandfather’s death in 2006 is the toll it took and has continued to take on her mom, Suzy. However, watching her grandfather’s health slowly and painfully degenerate was not easy.

    James Merrell Hobbs, affectionately dubbed by Sarah as “Granddad”, died on February 6, 2006 in a hospital in Lubbock after having suffered from Parkinson’s disease for 8 years. For both Sarah and Suzy, it was especially difficult to see James in his weakened state because they relied on him as a strong and cheerful member of the family. James owned his own business, Team Totes, in Abilene, Texas, which he started after leaving his job as the band director at Sweetwater High to care for his ailing wife. “He was an incredibly hard worker,” Sarah said.

    Cecilia, one of the primary employees at Team Totes, was the first to notice signs of abnormality in James’ health while he was working, specifically shakiness and irritability. When Sarah, Suzy, and the rest of their family moved to Abilene in 1998 to help him retire, they began to notice the symptoms too. Even though there is no cure for Parkinson’s disease, with the help of medication it progressed slowly. According to Sarah, her grandfather’s state of health did not start deteriorating rapidly until 2004.

    Sarah remembers her mom as her grandfather’s primary caretaker. At times she would drive to his house up to three times a day to feed him. Eventually it became too difficult for James to even eat. “He would cough and choke and it was horrible,” Suzy said. In spring 2005 he was given a feeding tube. In October of 2005, Suzy made the excruciating decision to place her father in a VA hospital in Big Springs, Texas. “I just couldn’t handle it anymore,” Suzy said. “It was overwhelming for her,” Sarah agreed. Even though the VA hospital was farther from Abilene than the family liked, it was the most financially viable option for the family since the World War II veteran received free care. While she realized that she could no longer care for her father and that he needed professional medical treatment, Suzy still felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness and guilt for having to be the one to remove him from his home. “I felt responsible that he lost his life there,” she said.

    James was the type of person who saw the good in everything and everybody, even during his time at the VA hospital, which was accompanied by increasing amounts of pain. He accepted his move quietly and without complaint, even making friends at the hospital. Suzy said she thinks    “. . . he knew that he would never come out of there. . .”

    In fact, his stay only lasted a few months. On January 30, 2006 James fell, breaking his hip and injuring his head. After being transferred to a hospital in Lubbock, Texas he underwent hip replacement surgery but passed away six days later at the age of 85 due to internal bleeding from his head injury and complications resulting from a weakened immune system.

    Now, only three and a half years later, the loss is still fresh and the grieving process still a constant reality for Suzy. “I have days that I grieve and other days that are good days,” she says. “I was very close to my father.”

    James’ death impacted Sarah differently. Even though she grieves the loss of her grandfather, she feels even more acutely the emotional toll that it took on her mother. “He was my closest grandparent, but the hardest part for me was seeing how it affected my mother,” she said. According to Sarah, Suzy had a very difficult time dealing with her father’s death, which caused her to struggle with depression, which she is still fighting. Sarah said that she only saw her mom crying twice over her grandfather’s death, and that her coping mechanism was sleeping. Sarah emphasized how her grandpa understood her mom in a way no one else did and was her escape and her support. Because they were so close, it was especially traumatic for her to watch him experience so much pain.

    While both Sarah and Suzy dealt were impacted by James Hobbs’s death in different ways, they are both still feeling the lingering effects of the death of a loved one. Even though it is over three years now since he passed away, they both still talk about it like it was yesterday.

God's grace is not a cheap exchange. You struggle is no quick fix.

The second you believe you've got it together is the moment you have set yourself up for more failure. You’ll never get it right on your own. Realize that this side of Heaven is a day-by-day run. A meal-by-meal journey. We are taught to quick fix situations and then go to work. God’s mercies are new EVERY MORNING. Not every 5 years. Every morning you need Him. Every day we ask for it. Go to war for holiness. Plead with Him to lead you. Battle for the sake of the grace that’s been given. Know God. Meet with Him. Talk with Him. Take in that you can’t do it without him THIS DAY. You will struggle. Know it. Be honest with Him. All He’s ever asked for is your broken, repentant, and contrite heart.