I have a....vision

I don't even really know how to start this. I'm pretty sure no one reads this which is kind of cool. It lets me express what I want to say without the nag in the back of my mind that people or, rather, certain people are reading. Eh, heck, who cares anyway? I have no secrets. Especially since this last year caused me to lay my body in the street and beg for help. Also, getting a mentor that has kicked my ass. It's been a journey for sure.

I re-read the last post that I put up (last June!...wow!) and it felt very familiar. What I mean is, right now feels a lot like what I felt in those years. Depression. Hurt. Confusion. Brokenness. In 2008, my parents got a divorce. I feel like I talk about this and everything else that has occured a lot with friends, counselor and mentors so we won't really go into all of that. Maybe later. Maybe not. Anyway, I was thinking tonight about some dreams I have. Goals. Wants. Places in life that feel warm, free, and in the element of who I was created to be. Now, I don't have any plans of success or lots of money or sitting next to the Jolie-Pitts at the Academy Awards because, frankly, I could care less and find no happiness in any of that. You know what I would love? More than anything? To transform my body into a man.....haha... Just kidding. That was probably completely uncalled for but (side note) I just watched this documentary on "The Pregnant Man" (who was born a female and changed the outside of the body to look male but kept all her..his... female reproductive organs) and that's where my mind is at because it's SO OUTRAGEOUS! Ok, now back on track... I'd love to find restoration in God's goodness. To recognize, breathe, be passionate over and see the shadows of grace in all areas of life. To not be defined by what's happened to me or what I've done. To let the blood of Jesus be my means and strength in everything I do. To seek out glorifying Him in all things. ALL THINGS. That's the first dream I have which, inevitably, pours into the rest of them.

I have this twisted mindset that it's impossible for men to be faithful. That it's implanted in them, the drive and desire, to seek out more and want more than the beautiful wife God has given him. This doesn't even necessarily mean going out and physically committing adultery. I'm saying, a man who comes home, drops his bag at the door, says hi to the kids, kisses his wife, goes upstairs to change, locks the door and, then, becomes engrossed in mind-destructive pornography and, thus, having no energy to be there to embrace, hold, and be intimate with the REAL body that lays beside him at night. Maybe this is because I've had really crappy examples for husbands and, also, heard my whole life from most of my guy friends that it's been or is an issue. Even though I have trust issues the more I grow I am slowly but surely seeing the good in men. Especially at The Village...but that's another blog. There's a little hope in me that some men, maybe, just maybe, desire nothing more after a day of missing his family at work than to kiss his children and hold his wife from behind as he sees her setting the table. A man that is there. Always there. A man that is passionate, thoughtful, people-serving, selfless, teachable, wise, loving, and merciful. A man that accepts my faults, my junk, my imperfections and, to say, loves me more for them. A man that has contagious humor and makes everyone laugh in the room. A man who I will serve, help, respect, love and brag about. A man that I know will, with no doubt, ever... ever seek out affection from another women or get wrapped up in his false imagination that the wicked computer screens puts off. I just know this kind of man exists. But, here I am, asking a lot of help from a lot of people and seeking out a ton of wisdom so that I can find unshakable hope and joy in the Father's Son and, thus, in return, give my man what he deserves and needs. Now on to some more dreams...

I have always wanted to travel. All over the world. I'd love to for like a year or two pack up all my furniture in storage and leave with a couple suitcases with my husband and go. I want to go to Africa and help out with many orphanages. I want to go to India and tell the widows that they are loved and are not outcasts. I want to go to Europe just because I've always wanted too. I want to go to Ireland and go to the church plant that The Village has planted there. I want to see it all. But of course this little 2 year trip may cost money. I'll start taking donations...now.

I want a gigantic family. Seriously. I would love...LOVE to have like 12 children. One part of me is a tiny bit scared to raise even one child the way the world is, and is continuing to go but I have this crazy dream about raising all this children to be the light that this world is so craving to see. Children that breathe Scripture, fight for Truth, fight for justice for the poor. Children that long to help each other, serve others, and know that they are loved by a compassionate God that placed Himself on this earth, despite their wickedness, to show them how they can live life to the fullest and spend eternity with Him by the cross of Christ. Children that will never know what I've been through. I would love to stay home with my children and raise them by God's grace with a husband that I never before thought existed. I would love to have a massive, God-fearing, loud, soul-mingling family. I would love to have a relationship with my husband that is (although a blessing) not wrapped around having these children. That we are grossly affectionate and passionate for one another. I want to cuddle at 87 years old. I want to die living out exactly what Jesus came on this earth for. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to wake up early in the morning before my family does and meet with the Creator. I want to be defined by Him and what the resurrection brought all my days, not wasting one. Man, I so want this.