God changes hearts - according to His plan

It’s quite humorous the truth behind, “because you just said that now it’ll probably happen.”

Such as, “I’ll never be a mom…I’ll never be a pastor…I‘ll never marry…”

Up until a few short years ago; even the thought of marrying into ministry was so bitter tasting. I mean really. It’s not that I don’t love Jesus (hopefully it’s obvious I do) but because I’d lived being a Preacher’s kid for 18 years I surely didn’t want to live that life all over again. I would also scoff at stay-at-home moms. All I could think of were all the opportunities…all the other things you could do and you choose to stay home and change diapers and pick up cheerios all day. But that's how I saw it then. I also said I would never be a teacher.

Funny how God works. It’s pretty awesome how much He’s changed my heart on these things. In fact, I think about it all on a daily basis. How there’s nothing more in this world that I want than a man who has a missional and ministry based heart. A man who had dedicated his life to teaching Truth and knowing God. Daily I pray for him. I can’t wait for the day to hold my child. His children. I pray God blesses me with many. Maybe God has even planned for some incredible and specifically gifted children in the world that he’s picked out just for us to adopt. To call our own. There's also such beauty behind the thought of having a baby that is made by the love of my husband and I and by the glory and majesty of God. Knowing I have a responsibly to love, cherish, cuddle and laugh with, discipline, and teach this grace to God's child that He has blessed me with is so huge...and so wonderful. I love that I get the privilege to teach my children to be the light that this world is searching for. I pray daily that God’s saved their little souls and that they follow up with an obedience that changes peoples lives. Such a beautiful thought.
Now, I can’t think of anything I would rather do in this entire world than to raise my children at home. The thought used to scare me. Almost frustrating to me because I'd always wanted "to do big and great things." I didn’t want to be a typical stay-at-home/home-schooled mom. Well, I still don't want to be typical. Like I said, this isn’t something I’ve been dreaming of forever. I fought it for many years. Maybe it’s because growing up I saw it done so poorly. Almost wickedly. There was this arrogance and pride that came with families who home-schooled their children. Like if you didn’t make your own clothes, have the books of the bible memorized to a tune, listened to secular music and if you had drums and electric guitar in your worship band then Jesus didn’t die for you. The women were always so in-your-face and domineering. The husbands just followed her rule in the home. Or the women were so secluded that she rarely made an apperance because she couldn't seperate herself from her kids. So the idea of raising my children and being creative and planning all kinds of things to do and camping in the backyard and randomly going on hikes just to see God’s glory is all new for me. It’s not a feeling of it being my only option. It’s definitely not a feeling of obligation. I feel like maybe there‘s another way to do it. A beauty and a tightness that is unshakable. A structure but a freedom to give children. To teach them to venture, pursue and seek to know God on their own. Not vicariously through us. I want them to wrestle with hard truths. not just believe because we believe them. To doubt. To be assured. To struggle hard so they can see God’s mercy. To be blessed so they can know His grace. I want them to know they are sinners and in need of Jesus. I pray they hear it. I love that God is molding my heart into something I had no part in. I love that each day is an opportunity to spend time with women to help me grow. I love that I’m a nanny so I can learn huge things before I get the blessing of having my own children. Don't get me wrong...it's difficult. Sometimes, I have really hard days with the little guy. But the opportunity has grown me tremendously. I struggle with being single but I know this season is so precious and vital to experiencing Him fully, without distraction, so that I might be the best wife and momma someday when He wills. If He wills. Either way, my heart is His and I trust in His plans and the powerful desires He has put in me. This is my journey of being sanctified to, in every step, in every joy and struggle, know Him more.