If there’s anything at all that I’m passionate about it’s helping people find their worth in the cross of Christ. In the reality of what’s been given to them. In the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. In the fact that our God’s flesh was literally ripped off so that we could live a joyous life with Him here on earth and in heaven. Not a life defined by men, not in women, not in a job, not in your children, not in your parent’s approval, not in your schoolwork, not in your success, not in feeding the poor, not in your education, not in what level you get to on Halo, not by how well you play the guitar. In Christ alone. And once your identity is in Christ then your spouse, your child, your job, your hobby becomes secondary to Him.
Being a woman, I get them. I understand their pain, their protective shell they build around them, the over-consuming desire to feel loved, the desperation to be wanted. I get it. And that’s why this blog is going to be very candid. This is for the men in understanding our hearts. This is to plead with you, to beg you to strive to be a Hosea to the Gomers of this world. I pray God also, even if just one, pulls the curtain from a girls eyes who has, her whole life, been addicted to chaos and suffering because that’s all she’s ever known. I pray you men help her get there. Not ignore her. And definitely not give in to her seduction.
Before I give statistics I want share my heart. I’m going to go ahead and say what caused me to write this out of the gate. It is exhausting and terrifying to hear my guy friends/acquaintances tell me they look at pornography. It even more angers me to see their sadness but not sense a hint of longing to, in anyway, change or repent of it. I had one guy excuse his addition by saying, “I’m not actually hurting or touching her. There’s no emotional connection that has to be involved.“ I had another guy tell me, “Sarah, all men look at pornography. You just have to realize that.“ They struggled for so long that they no longer feel guilty. They no longer care. It’s just what they struggle with and everyone is going to have to expect it. Let me just say, that I know this is a battle and it’s not easy to conquer but it’s a whole different monster when you’ve just submitted to being stupid and ignore the effects it has on you. I wonder if you men really understood the life story behind the girl you look at on the computer - just so you can get a few seconds of pleasure - if it would change your heart towards what you're seeing. I wonder if you men really understood the hurt behind women, the pain we carry, and the battle we have to fight because of men who became so numb to seeing us as toys rather than a daughter of the King. A princess, if you will. And what angers me so much is that the leaders of the church have caused much of this pain. I don’t know what happened or who decided it to be a good idea to walk away from the broken but it’s draining to pick up your junk. Why are the young men told that if a girl dresses immodestly, is into you, is flirty, is broken, is dysfunctional then you are to ignore her. I mean really. What makes any part of that like Jesus Christ? Let me put it this way. What if we started to have repentant, self-controlled, humble, and loving men who, instead of acted as if these women are unseen, started to show her God’s love. Yeah, it makes sense if you’re addicted to sex and not genuinely and affectionately passionate about the Gospel that you'd ignore her. You've got to hide so no one realizes what's really going on in your head so you just avoid the situation. I mean, please do leave her alone. The last thing she needs is you. But what if, instead of giving her a look of disgust because of the way she dresses, made she sure felt beautiful. What if you brought out the image of God in her. What if you showed her that her worth was in Christ. It makes complete sense to me that a prostitute who was thrown down the stairs and or just plainly neglected by her family and then raped multiple times by all her boyfriends turns away from the church because she would rather get attention and feel wanted, even at the expense of being hit, than to be ignored. Another piece of advice I don't understand that's given is if you sense a girl is into you then you completely stop talking to her. I mean, in some instances this may seem right but I can honestly say that in my own experiences and all the other experiences I've seen this only makes the girl more bitter and sad. Usually ending very angry. Why don't you talk to her about how you feel? Tell her, gently, that you feel it would be wrong of you to lead her on. That you care about her and want to look out for her safety and that it would not be loving or wise if you two dated. Sure, it would hurt. But not as much as you just walking away and hoping the situation fixes itself. Which really, it just leaves more of a mess for the next guy. We need clarification. Not boys who coward over uncomfortable situations. I can’t even begin to tell you the impact that it would make on an abused girls life if we had men that fought for their true beauty. Men that protested against pornography. Not lived a life supporting the girls abuse in their closet. Men who pursued them. Hosea's who were patient and faithful to the end. Men who loved them. Men who didn’t blame them and looked at the heart of the issue. Men that understood why she dressed like that. Men that got that we were created to be wanted. We were created to be pursued. So wouldn’t it make sense that if we were created to be protected, to be helpers and lovers but instead was hit, lied to, left alone, pinned down and raped, look at as objects that their would be a serious amount of psychological torture?
Here are some quotes from an x-prostitute:
“I felt lied to, cheated, violated, I felt that sex was an evil act of domination, not real love…there were times that I wanted to really hurt my customers, because if I could get them back with the abuse that they were forcing on me and my friends….I could at least appease my pain and insanity—and justify revenge for all the girls that have been hurt or killed.” (Annie Lobert, , former prostitute and stripper, 2006)
“I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere, I couldn’t function socially as a human being, and when I did go somewhere, I felt everyone knew what I used to do for a living….I felt dirty, cheated, disrespected, violated, a worthless individual to society. I didn’t know who “Annie” was anymore. I often wanted to end my very own life. This is a battlefield of the mind—and if you don’t get out and get help, you will lose your very own soul and go completely insane.” (Annie Lobert , former prostitute and stripper, 2006)
Here is also some statistics on prostitution and pornography (all of this is from http://powerhouse-ministry.org/annielobert_prostitution.aspx):
Raped: 82% --many women in this business are confused of the definition of rape. If rape is as unwanted sex act or coerced, then the statistic would be a much higher percentage. Some women in prostitution assume there is no difference between prostitution and rape, and they only call it rape if they were not paid, regardless of the violence of the act—asking them is like asking someone in a combat zone if they are under fire. A significant percentage of women currently prostituting deny rape and other violence because it would be too stressful to acknowledge the extreme danger posed by johns and pimps!
Raped more than five times: 73%
Current or past homelessness: 84%
As a child, was hit or beaten by a caregiver until injured or bruised: 49%
Sexually abused as a child: 65-95%
PROSTITUTION AND PORNOGRAPHY
Upset by an attempt to make them do what had been seen in pornography: 32%
Pornography made of her in prostitution: 49%
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL USAGE
Drugs: 75%
Alcohol: 26%
WHEN ASKED “WHAT DO YOU NEED?” TO PROSTITUTES
Would you leave prostitution: 87%
Need home or safe place: 78%
Need job training: 73%
Need health care: 58%
Need peer support: 50%
Need legal assistance: 42%
Need alcohol and drug treatment: 67%
Self defense training: 49%
Every time you say, “Those girls like what they do”-- pick up a ”porn" magazine, watch a ”porn” video, click onto that website, call that lady of the night, listen to music that degrades women (most hip hop) or go to that bachelor party, strip club, know this:
It could be your sister, your mother, your best friends girl—and then think, is it all really worth the “thrill” of self gratification that lasts only a couple minutes? You are destroying lives of countless women while you do it—feeding the monster the sex industry has become. And now YOU are part of it too….for there must be ENABLERS to create VICTIMS. - Annie Lobert
Men: Please, I beg you, to get help if you are addicted to sex. We need you, who profess the saving blood of Christ, to stand up and be real men for these women. It’s not always up to the women to help women. It’s impossible to do when she was created to be loved yet you tell her she’s just worth the pleasure she gives you. Or she's worth being ignored because her issues are too much for you to handle. Get in counseling, Get accountability. Get into a church. Stop going into the closet. Stop wasting all that God given energy to hide and use it to glorify Jesus by protecting His daughters. Find Jesus.
Women: Some of you are sinfully addicted to suffering. I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt. I know most of you have been. I’m sorry your dad never cuddled with you or said I love you or talked to you about the dangers of boys. I’m sorry you have felt like you needed to go to these punks to feel loved. But here’s the deal. You have responsibility too. The greatest battle is acknowledging all that's happened to you. So many women have been raped and then brush it under the rug. So many of you were never cared for or adored like you should have been. Just because you weren't particually raped or physically abused that doesn't mean everything is ok. There is a reason why you keep going for guy after guy. There's a reason you keep going after a particular punk who could care less about you. That's a heart issue. Nothing small enough to just ignore. Because if you do, which most of you do, then it will always...always come back at you if not wrestled with. Kind of like men who are addicted to pornography but then close the door behind them. Even if you don't see it, these things start molding you if you don't conquer them. They affect your attitude, they reflect your heart, your lifestyle, and even your dreams. This is where God has gifted people to be counselors and help you work through this stuff. I have told many women countless times (I, myself, have been in counseling on and off throughout my life because of bitterness…I get it) that, by the blood and cross of Christ, you are defined by Him. I am not Sarah the daughter, Sarah the nanny, Sarah the best friend, Sarah the student. I am a sinner. A SINNER saved by undeserving grace by a God who chose me to be His child. That is your confidence, your life-blood, your identity. But we need help. Stop, for the sake of what Christ has done, stop giving yourself to these fools who think of you as a toy. Who may know your favorite color and favorite song and favorite ice cream but doesn’t see your soul, your beauty, your love. You are a toy to them and you know it. As hard as it’s been to believe there are men out there who want to love you, honor you, respect you. Be the best daddies to your children. Men that are passionate about you. Men that would never ever ever hurt you and has dedicated his life to making sure no one does. Men that would lay their life down for you. Men that will never leave. And, also, stop settling for guys because they are just merely nice. Find a Godly man. There are a lot of guys that will open their door for you and carry on a good conversation with your momma but few who will put down his life and lead his family in bible studies, prayer and use many hours that he could have wasted on a hobby but invested them in your children and conversation and intimacy with you. As my pastor says, “they are a rare breed but they’re out there.” They really are. In the meantime, find God. Get in a church, Get accountability. Many of you need to be in counseling. Many churches offer this. Call them. You've got to want it. I pray you do. Your addiction to chaos and suffering when you know you can get out is just as sinful as the man who only wants you for his pleasure. For it’s how you see yourself. You are strong, you are beautiful and you are worth it. Find Jesus.
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7 comments:
I agree that God is mighty to save...but apparently not that mighty to sanctify. (either that or He just doesn't care).
Here's the deal: When I got saved at first I actually believed I had value. Then I went to church (aka the community of respectability) full of a bunch of educated, beautiful, well-rounded people who effectively make me feel stupid, ugly, screwed-up, and left out. Former sluts --no...sluts who are trying not to act out what's really in their hearts-- don't make it into these people's cliques. We are not like them. They may smile at you and act friendly to you, but they don't actually want to know you. And like it or not, Christians have made idols out of respectability and education, and it seems that you cannot be a good and useful Christian if you are neither respectable or educated. So you try --you try so hard to ignore the obvious rejection, but at the end of the day you are still left to face the fact that although Christ may have saved you from hell, you are still stupid and untalented, ugly and used, full of this rage and ager that no one understands, and now you are not only rejected and abandoned by your family, but by your family in Christ too.
If the only identity I get in Christ is to stick out like a sore thumb and be useless in the Body because HE did not allow me the grace of having a proper homelife growing up or getting an education, or cultivating whatever talents I might have, what else do I have left than the identity of slut? I'd rather be something than nothing. It seems that when God was distributing the spiritual gifts, He forgot about me.
Just getting saved does not REALLY make you a new person. You may have Christ in you, but still have no social skills, no life skills, no self-discipline, nothing about YOU that people would actually want to get to know you. No style. No class. No etiquet. No money. And you can't even string two words together that make any sense to anyone around you. Worse yet, you don't care about any of those things they all care about. Scrapbooking? Homemaking? Caring for our husbands? Ha, I'm lucky if I get through the day without killing myself or throwing myself down the stairs to punish myself for being such a good for nothing whore. I don't have a proper home to make. I don't have money to scrapbook and I wouldn't want to anyway. I have better ways of wasting my time. I don't have money to fix my teeth so I get to be embarrassed whenever I talk to all these perfect people, and everyone wants surface friendships --superficial conversations-- which obviously, prostitutes aren't so good at.
If I'm going to be fake, I may as well get paid for it.
And biblical counseling is a joke. It just makes you more angry. It just picks a fight between you and God, and then you end up so angry at God for giving them more than He gave you --and for being looked down on by them because of it--and you end up cursing at Him and rebelling against Him.
Yeah... go ahead and preach at me for what a bad Christian I am. I already know it. You're going to tell me my problem is pride and unbelief --that I should just be grateful that Jesus saved me from my sin --and I agree-- but that still doesn't make me fit in the body of Christ.
At least Jesus has given Annie a ministry to make her feel useful (and I'm happy for her). It seems that my struggle was and is for nothing. It seems like everything was for absolutely nothing...so why should I even try? At least I was accepted by the people who used me. At least they wanted me --even if it was to use me and degrade me. At least I had some kind of identity. And whether or not I am a "daughter of God", I'm still here for seemingly nothing and fighting for seemingly nothing.
So you already know what I would say, huh? That you are prideful and have unbelief and that is the root in all of this? Big assumptions. Seems like you just needed to write all that out for yourself.
I feel like you know exactly what you are saying.
Let me know if you want to know what I really think.
I'm listening. I've been there. Talk to me.
You don't believe most of what you just said. About time you stop playing out someone else's story. I get it. I'm not easily fooled, and maybe you came across the wrong blog. You're crying out for a different kind of help. I'm only going to point out the relevant things that I feel you were actually being somewhat honest about. The claim on the church only wanting educated and respectable people I find interesting. Seeing how you seen extremely educated and well-spoken. And, I'm sure you are one to demand respect from people in how that comment laid out.
You do not have unbelief. You absolutely get it. You know very well that the God of the Bible - the one you claim to being mighty in His saving you from Hell - doesn't owe you anything. You know that. He doesn't owe you His flesh to be ripped off from His body, He doesn't owe you health, He doesn't owe you pleasure, He doesn't even owe you life. You have just become really awesome at lying to yourself. Which is the worse form of lying.
Things have not gone well for you and you are frustrated. I totally believe you feel like you are unattractive, unrespected, and unwanted. I'm sorry you feel that way. But you have come to the point of pitying yourself to a dangerous degree where you believe people actual owe you something because, by now, you are starving for attention and hope. Everyone is fading off and you can't understand why when you are who you are. Perhaps, then, that this all makes sense now. Makes sense on why your insecurities are out of control. Funny how we can go to church alone; sit in a chair; smile and shake the person's hand next to us; be unmoved by worshiping Jesus; walk out the door alone and then condemn the church for doing the very exact thing you just did. You smiled, you acted friendly, you walked away without any intention of "getting to know" them because all you were seeking out was for them to see YOU. Maybe a mother was sitting beside you. A mother who buried her 4-yr-old son to cancer not even 3 weeks ago. You think to get to know her and her story? What about the girl to your left whose parents died in a car crash 2 years ago who is left with nothing but an aunt who bring home boyfriends that abuse her? What about daddy whose wife left him and their 3 children? We're all hurting.
Funny how that works. Funny how we can throw our fists up to God and the church when we, ourselves, have taken no strides to throwing ourselves out there in all honesty and humility. Literally, I called up someone to meet with me when I felt so unwanted. I poured out all my insecurities. All my junk. I joined a bible study. I started to lead a group myself. Any of the girls in my group can attest to the fact that every single week, without fail, someone was crying. I didn't just open up the bible, read a few Scriptures and then write down prayer request. Those girls came in broken. I begged the Holy Spirit to move in their souls. Superficiality is not okay with me. To pin down all churches, and all people within a church to being, "a bunch of educated, beautiful, well-rounded people", is a bit irrational. I grew up in an extremely superficial and hypocritical home. I understand. I felt lonely, confused and extremely frustrated at the church. I rebelled. I wanted nothing to do with it. That's very normal. Especially for our generation. You are not alone. And you know what I grew up finding out? The parents that I have who were superficial in all they did have a deep underlining torturous lifestyle that robbed them of any kind of affection from the Lord. You may feel it but I can guarantee a lot of the people in your apartment complex feel it too. But, I found a church that has made it a safe place "to come and not be okay." But, it's YOU who need to get away from your desktop and find that value in Christ again. Just like you said you first felt when you became saved. Find that church. I did. Christ has not done this to you. God has not stopped caring. You have stopped caring. You've given up. You've left and walked away. You choose to not commit. No one is choosing that for you. You can make excuses and write on people's blog all day. But, I pity you, in knowing the saving power in the Gospel of Christ to be sitting in misery. The story that leads to repentance and freedom from the bondage of sin. I feel like you have been horrifically lied too as well. Jesus isn't some errand boy for your all that you need. Maybe you've been sold a God who is suppose to do everything you want, give you the respect you deserve, and make everyone love you. That's quite comical. Especially because the Bible clearly states that, even from the beginning, it's never been about us or our happiness. Men and women in the Bible plead with God for Himself. Lay their lives down in battle for the sake of Christ and the cross because they know there is a greater calling than being comfortable in such an unpleasant and God-dishonoring world. Maybe it's about time to be honest. Maybe it's about time to get out of the closet and stop hiding and hoping people will learn to honor you. Get up and do something about your secrets. You're breathing aren't you? That's God's grace. You have the ability to write well. Stop blaming God for YOUR choosing of soaking in a melancholy pool. You are loved more than you know. This is your journey. No one can walk it for you. Don't allow your life to get completely destroyed and broken before you can hear the Good News again. Get up. It's past time.
One quick thing, and I know I've been posting anonymously for a while (that's because I'm still too proud to let everyone out there on the Internet know what we've been through). My name is also Sarah. Maybe I'll tell you more someday when I feel comfortable. You're still an inspiration to a lot of people. Ok...moving on. You say we should find our "worth" in Christ, but at least in my experience, every church I've ever been to has made me feel worthless and wretched. A sinner. A blasphemer. A thief. A sexual deviant. A liar. Those are clearly all bad things. Where is the worth in that? Finding worth in Christ doesn't seem possible. I mean, He was perfect, and I'm not. I feel disgusting and filthy when Jesus is even mentioned, because He is so holy. Am I supposed to just think, "Well, this guy was great, and I'm friends with Him. So I'm great too."?
Help would be great.
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