this is a fight to be a Hosea and a journey to not be a Gomer

If there’s anything at all that I’m passionate about it’s helping people find their worth in the cross of Christ. In the reality of what’s been given to them. In the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. In the fact that our God’s flesh was literally ripped off so that we could live a joyous life with Him here on earth and in heaven. Not a life defined by men, not in women, not in a job, not in your children, not in your parent’s approval, not in your schoolwork, not in your success, not in feeding the poor, not in your education, not in what level you get to on Halo, not by how well you play the guitar. In Christ alone. And once your identity is in Christ then your spouse, your child, your job, your hobby becomes secondary to Him.

Being a woman, I get them. I understand their pain, their protective shell they build around them, the over-consuming desire to feel loved, the desperation to be wanted. I get it. And that’s why this blog is going to be very candid. This is for the men in understanding our hearts. This is to plead with you, to beg you to strive to be a Hosea to the Gomers of this world. I pray God also, even if just one, pulls the curtain from a girls eyes who has, her whole life, been addicted to chaos and suffering because that’s all she’s ever known. I pray you men help her get there. Not ignore her. And definitely not give in to her seduction.

Before I give statistics I want share my heart. I’m going to go ahead and say what caused me to write this out of the gate. It is exhausting and terrifying to hear my guy friends/acquaintances tell me they look at pornography. It even more angers me to see their sadness but not sense a hint of longing to, in anyway, change or repent of it. I had one guy excuse his addition by saying, “I’m not actually hurting or touching her. There’s no emotional connection that has to be involved.“ I had another guy tell me, “Sarah, all men look at pornography. You just have to realize that.“ They struggled for so long that they no longer feel guilty. They no longer care. It’s just what they struggle with and everyone is going to have to expect it. Let me just say, that I know this is a battle and it’s not easy to conquer but it’s a whole different monster when you’ve just submitted to being stupid and ignore the effects it has on you. I wonder if you men really understood the life story behind the girl you look at on the computer - just so you can get a few seconds of pleasure - if it would change your heart towards what you're seeing. I wonder if you men really understood the hurt behind women, the pain we carry, and the battle we have to fight because of men who became so numb to seeing us as toys rather than a daughter of the King. A princess, if you will. And what angers me so much is that the leaders of the church have caused much of this pain. I don’t know what happened or who decided it to be a good idea to walk away from the broken but it’s draining to pick up your junk. Why are the young men told that if a girl dresses immodestly, is into you, is flirty, is broken, is dysfunctional then you are to ignore her. I mean really. What makes any part of that like Jesus Christ? Let me put it this way. What if we started to have repentant, self-controlled, humble, and loving men who, instead of acted as if these women are unseen, started to show her God’s love. Yeah, it makes sense if you’re addicted to sex and not genuinely and affectionately passionate about the Gospel that you'd ignore her. You've got to hide so no one realizes what's really going on in your head so you just avoid the situation. I mean, please do leave her alone. The last thing she needs is you. But what if, instead of giving her a look of disgust because of the way she dresses, made she sure felt beautiful. What if you brought out the image of God in her. What if you showed her that her worth was in Christ. It makes complete sense to me that a prostitute who was thrown down the stairs and or just plainly neglected by her family and then raped multiple times by all her boyfriends turns away from the church because she would rather get attention and feel wanted, even at the expense of being hit, than to be ignored. Another piece of advice I don't understand that's given is if you sense a girl is into you then you completely stop talking to her. I mean, in some instances this may seem right but I can honestly say that in my own experiences and all the other experiences I've seen this only makes the girl more bitter and sad. Usually ending very angry. Why don't you talk to her about how you feel? Tell her, gently, that you feel it would be wrong of you to lead her on. That you care about her and want to look out for her safety and that it would not be loving or wise if you two dated. Sure, it would hurt. But not as much as you just walking away and hoping the situation fixes itself. Which really, it just leaves more of a mess for the next guy. We need clarification. Not boys who coward over uncomfortable situations. I can’t even begin to tell you the impact that it would make on an abused girls life if we had men that fought for their true beauty. Men that protested against pornography. Not lived a life supporting the girls abuse in their closet. Men who pursued them. Hosea's who were patient and faithful to the end. Men who loved them. Men who didn’t blame them and looked at the heart of the issue. Men that understood why she dressed like that. Men that got that we were created to be wanted. We were created to be pursued. So wouldn’t it make sense that if we were created to be protected, to be helpers and lovers but instead was hit, lied to, left alone, pinned down and raped, look at as objects that their would be a serious amount of psychological torture?

Here are some quotes from an x-prostitute:
“I felt lied to, cheated, violated, I felt that sex was an evil act of domination, not real love…there were times that I wanted to really hurt my customers, because if I could get them back with the abuse that they were forcing on me and my friends….I could at least appease my pain and insanity—and justify revenge for all the girls that have been hurt or killed.” (Annie Lobert, , former prostitute and stripper, 2006)

“I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere, I couldn’t function socially as a human being, and when I did go somewhere, I felt everyone knew what I used to do for a living….I felt dirty, cheated, disrespected, violated, a worthless individual to society. I didn’t know who “Annie” was anymore. I often wanted to end my very own life. This is a battlefield of the mind—and if you don’t get out and get help, you will lose your very own soul and go completely insane.” (Annie Lobert , former prostitute and stripper, 2006)

Here is also some statistics on prostitution and pornography (all of this is from http://powerhouse-ministry.org/annielobert_prostitution.aspx):

Raped: 82% --many women in this business are confused of the definition of rape. If rape is as unwanted sex act or coerced, then the statistic would be a much higher percentage. Some women in prostitution assume there is no difference between prostitution and rape, and they only call it rape if they were not paid, regardless of the violence of the act—asking them is like asking someone in a combat zone if they are under fire. A significant percentage of women currently prostituting deny rape and other violence because it would be too stressful to acknowledge the extreme danger posed by johns and pimps!
Raped more than five times: 73%
Current or past homelessness: 84%
As a child, was hit or beaten by a caregiver until injured or bruised: 49%
Sexually abused as a child: 65-95%

PROSTITUTION AND PORNOGRAPHY
Upset by an attempt to make them do what had been seen in pornography: 32%
Pornography made of her in prostitution: 49%

DRUGS AND ALCOHOL USAGE
Drugs: 75%
Alcohol: 26%

WHEN ASKED “WHAT DO YOU NEED?” TO PROSTITUTES
Would you leave prostitution: 87%
Need home or safe place: 78%
Need job training: 73%
Need health care: 58%
Need peer support: 50%
Need legal assistance: 42%
Need alcohol and drug treatment: 67%
Self defense training: 49%

Every time you say, “Those girls like what they do”-- pick up a ”porn" magazine, watch a ”porn” video, click onto that website, call that lady of the night, listen to music that degrades women (most hip hop) or go to that bachelor party, strip club, know this:
It could be your sister, your mother, your best friends girl—and then think, is it all really worth the “thrill” of self gratification that lasts only a couple minutes? You are destroying lives of countless women while you do it—feeding the monster the sex industry has become. And now YOU are part of it too….for there must be ENABLERS to create VICTIMS. - Annie Lobert

Men: Please, I beg you, to get help if you are addicted to sex. We need you, who profess the saving blood of Christ, to stand up and be real men for these women. It’s not always up to the women to help women. It’s impossible to do when she was created to be loved yet you tell her she’s just worth the pleasure she gives you. Or she's worth being ignored because her issues are too much for you to handle. Get in counseling, Get accountability. Get into a church. Stop going into the closet. Stop wasting all that God given energy to hide and use it to glorify Jesus by protecting His daughters. Find Jesus.

Women: Some of you are sinfully addicted to suffering. I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt. I know most of you have been. I’m sorry your dad never cuddled with you or said I love you or talked to you about the dangers of boys. I’m sorry you have felt like you needed to go to these punks to feel loved. But here’s the deal. You have responsibility too. The greatest battle is acknowledging all that's happened to you. So many women have been raped and then brush it under the rug. So many of you were never cared for or adored like you should have been. Just because you weren't particually raped or physically abused that doesn't mean everything is ok. There is a reason why you keep going for guy after guy. There's a reason you keep going after a particular punk who could care less about you. That's a heart issue. Nothing small enough to just ignore. Because if you do, which most of you do, then it will always...always come back at you if not wrestled with. Kind of like men who are addicted to pornography but then close the door behind them. Even if you don't see it, these things start molding you if you don't conquer them. They affect your attitude, they reflect your heart, your lifestyle, and even your dreams. This is where God has gifted people to be counselors and help you work through this stuff. I have told many women countless times (I, myself, have been in counseling on and off throughout my life because of bitterness…I get it) that, by the blood and cross of Christ, you are defined by Him. I am not Sarah the daughter, Sarah the nanny, Sarah the best friend, Sarah the student. I am a sinner. A SINNER saved by undeserving grace by a God who chose me to be His child. That is your confidence, your life-blood, your identity. But we need help. Stop, for the sake of what Christ has done, stop giving yourself to these fools who think of you as a toy. Who may know your favorite color and favorite song and favorite ice cream but doesn’t see your soul, your beauty, your love. You are a toy to them and you know it. As hard as it’s been to believe there are men out there who want to love you, honor you, respect you. Be the best daddies to your children. Men that are passionate about you. Men that would never ever ever hurt you and has dedicated his life to making sure no one does. Men that would lay their life down for you. Men that will never leave. And, also, stop settling for guys because they are just merely nice. Find a Godly man. There are a lot of guys that will open their door for you and carry on a good conversation with your momma but few who will put down his life and lead his family in bible studies, prayer and use many hours that he could have wasted on a hobby but invested them in your children and conversation and intimacy with you. As my pastor says, “they are a rare breed but they’re out there.” They really are. In the meantime, find God. Get in a church, Get accountability. Many of you need to be in counseling. Many churches offer this. Call them. You've got to want it. I pray you do. Your addiction to chaos and suffering when you know you can get out is just as sinful as the man who only wants you for his pleasure. For it’s how you see yourself. You are strong, you are beautiful and you are worth it. Find Jesus.

I am a daughter of the King. A sinner saved by grace by a God who chose me. It's how I'm defined and where my identity lies. Every relationship, every circumstance, every job, every dollar, every conversation, every action, every hardship, every joy is filtered through this.

Oh, God help me.

It is impossible to tell a broken women that she is worth something and beautiful when the men prove the point that she's only a mere toy

This is brutally honest. But so desperately needs to be said in this tone. For both men and women to freakin' wake up and see what they are doing to themselves and everyone else. This was so for me, as well.

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-men

I know these huge passions are put in our hearts for very sovereign reasons which, if we don't settle or give up, creates unshakable joy.

My next blog will be on passion. God-given, driven, battle winning, concrete building, unfaltering passion.

I have quite a lot to say about this and how so many of us fools are fighting to continue being pulled through sinking sand.

Constantly Inconsistant

There's something really horrible about being in your early 20's. The pressure of the world weighs down. At least for myself and most of the crowd I run with. Moneyless, singleness, careerless, clueless... but I've come to find out that it's the white, middle-class, American dream that's completely and absolutely killing us. Literally. Why do we overly drink alcohol? Why do we over-eat? Why do we spend so much time following sports and watching TV? Why do we play 9 hours of video games? Why do we look at porn? Why do we spend so much money on just stuff that ends up in a garage sell 7 years later? Why do we smoke drugs? Why do we commit suicide? Why do we have so much stress that stops our hearts just to impress (fill in the blank)? Why? Someone has set up these criterias of success/pleasure and if you don't get there you are worthless. No wonder so many of us attempt to seek out through ANYTHING some kind of distraction from what’s really going on inside.

Let's start from the beginning of life as an average American citizen. You are born healthy; mom enrolls you in soccer, gymnastics, baseball, ballet. You make good grades, you participate in band, choir, swimming, football, theatre, cheerleading. You go to college. You graduate. You get a job in an office or by travel. You meet the love of your life. You get married. You buy your first house with a cute yard. You have your first baby. You have your second. They are both healthy. You enroll them in soccer, gymnastics, and swimming. They start school and make good grades. They go to college. You retire. You travel. You mow your yard a lot and read the newspaper. Your wife dies. Your husband dies. You die.

Now, what’s completely left out of this lovely list of “the white picket fence” is the cancer, death of a child, your husband cheating on you for 10 years, house burns down, losing the job, molested, mother and father die, car wreck that kills your wife, miscarriage, best friend turns their back on you, you get a disease that leaves you in bed for almost 2 years. Here’s the reality of life. We are killing ourselves for a sprinkler system perfect green kind of life that you, nor I, were ever guaranteed. We are all unconsciously trying to catch the wind.

So maybe it has nothing to do with the early 20s. Maybe it’s in middle school when you are constantly made fun of that you feel like a failure. Maybe it’s in high school when you don’t make the football team that you feel like a failure. Maybe it’s when you can’t graduate college because you don’t even have enough money to eat that you feel like a failure. Maybe it’s when you get married to the love of your life and realize that you should have married someone else. Maybe if you just had a different job, a different husband. Maybe if you ran away to Germany and got to start all over. We are constantly inconsistent. We want new. And we want it now. And we're in the constant mindset of "What's next...what's next" And we’re all killing ourselves. The problem with attempting to seek pleasure from the world (acceptance, money, power, sex that is now based solely on technique, things, doing "good" for the sake of your glory and recognition) is that you are in a never-ending war against the very reason you were even created. It's never been about you.

Maybe, just maybe, God really knows what He’s saying when He commands certain things of us. Not to be that kind of parent that constantly says, “Because I told you so” but because He is completely warring for our happiness. Because He’s begging us to not run in the street to chase the wind. Maybe God gets our pain. Maybe God never promised a life where death, suffering and hurt will never occur but did promise that in the midst of it we didn’t have to go through it alone. Maybe He’s telling you He loves you when you have a dark sad night of the soul. And maybe we were created by a God that isn’t bound by a list of superficial, world-searching, humanized path of “if you do x,y,z, then you will be happy.” The Creator of this universe has programmed this planet for, first and foremost, His named to be praised and glorified and for our pleasure and freedom - not to put us in bondage. He’s not here to take your life away but give you life.

What if we were finally not defined by the list. What if some of us aren’t suppose to go to college? What if some of us aren’t suppose to get married? What if some of us are? What if some of us don’t work in an office and don’t mow our yard? What if some of us end up homeless? What if some of us get cancer? What if some of us lose our family? What if some of us can’t retire? What if some of us never see the world? What if some of us never have the fenced yard? What if some of us didn’t have to go use alcohol just to be able to sleep that night? What if some of only ate what our bodies needed? What if we started to live each day like we didn’t deserve it? What if we recognized that God gets the glory in every day rather than our ladder of success and artificial happiness? What if we finally submitted to and become dependent on a God that longs to save us from ourselves? What if we saw our lives as a gift and that each breathe is God’s grace on us? What if we really understood God’s grace? What if we finally stopped chasing the polluted air of this world and for once said, “God, you were right. I can’t do it on my own anymore. I’m yours.”

God help us. Save us from ourselves.

Wanted and Wanting

There's something extremely fragile about a women's soul. For us, I don't think it's necessarily the acts of sinning that make us crumble but the aftermath…the emotional torrent that comes with it. For instance, the pain behind having pre-marital sex, in my opinion, is not the fact or guilt that you did the act but the overwhelming nag in your mind that you are unwanted, not worth loving or staying with and that something is wrong with you. The guy always leaves. There’s no feeling compared to waking up and knowing he’s gone and feeling abandoned. Women lose massive amounts of self-respect which leads to codependency putting them in a tail-chasing battle of seeking in someone or somewhere - or anything - a sense of feeling worth it. This is the battle of, I’d say, the majority of women. We want to be wanted, we wanted to be fought for, we want to be…I don’t know…loved. I’m not even just saying men. I’m saying seeking worth in the acceptance of parents, teachers, friendships, co-workers, materialist items. Even exhausting yourself in doing so much to help the poor and needy because it’s a time of numbing what’s really going on inside. Maybe I’m wrong but seeing myself and all the women I’ve ministered to and been around – this is the internal war in all we do. A journey of wanting to be loved.

Depression. I think this last year I was probably more depressed than I realized I was. And I'm having to really fight having it laced through this year as well. I became bitter. I would find comfort through food, sleeping, trying to fix every one's problems but my own. And to be honest, I'm just now learning how to do that. How to not be codependent that is. I'm not defined by my parents breaking up. That has nothing to do with me. I'm not defined by being a nanny, or not being so "successful" (whatever that is suppose to mean), I'm not defined by not having a boyfriend, and I won't be when I do have one. But you know what? Deep down, I feel as if I am defined by these things sometimes. Just like all of us can get all hyped up and say, "My worth is in Jesus! I'm not defined by anything but the Cross!!" But way deep down, I didn't get the cross. I didn't understand it. If I really did, if you really did, don't you think that we'd live as if it were all true. That it really was Truth. That God in the flesh really did come down from Heaven, despite our wickedness, despite the blasphemy, and had His flesh riped off so that we could live? What does it even mean to live? To live by this Truth? Man, if I truly believed that my worth was defined in what He did for me would I be this bitter about my parents being divorced? Sure, I can be sad about it but I've greatly let it affect me. If I truly believed that I was defined by Christ would I go immediately to food to find comfort or just crawl up in my bed because that's all I could think of to do. If you were defined by and found your worth in the fact that God didn't just send another flood through His frustration and wrath to have us drown but sent His only Son to be spit upon and cursed at would you still go drink more of that alcohol, would you put the phone down before you called that one boy to find comfort, would you still drive over to his house to, then, only give up your body in a desperation to feel like someone really loves you? Would you see your body as beautiful and glorifying because it was He who made it? Would that change the way you treat it, respect it and take cautious care of it? Maybe I could really find that joy, that happiness, that pleasure, that satisfation in a cross that is freely given to me. I don't have to do anything or prove myself but lay the bondage of all my selfish gain in His blood. Dang.

What would it be like to truly live? To get up each morning and meet with the Creator of this universe in hopes that He might meet with us. To not be defined by the sadness, hurt, frustration, confusion, sickness, or loneliness but to really get up, make choices today like my days are actually numbered, and start truly believing this "Truth" that you so argue with people about. We may know but do we really know? To live freely is to finally...finally not be in bondage anymore about what's happened to me, what will happen to me, where I'm at now or where I will be. To live for Christ. To, in all things, make Him look great. Even if I'm dying of cancer. Even if I lose all my money. Even if I never get to go back to school. Even if I never get married. Even if I can't feed my children. Even if I can't feed myself. Even if my family dies. Hard, huh? Yes. Hard. Very hard. But it goes back to the reason of why we were here. My health is grace, family is grace, marriage is grace, school is grace, life is grace. But none of it you or I deserve. I am here to glorify God and Him alone. The beginning of change, first, starts with our attitude towards all things. Entitlement. You, nor I, am entitled to anything.

For us women, we can say and know that God wants us. The Creator who made all things wants us. Personally wants all of us. But we seek out all pleasure and joy and worth in a world of men that will continually fail us. A world of people, items, and circumstances that will war against the very reason we were created.

But do we want Him? Really? Maybe so but living in God’s beautiful and protective sovereignty is a much thicker jungle to walk through than it is to go drink 10 beers or climb into bed with a man. The freedom of wanting God and actively doing something on a daily basis to find it smells so nice. To have self-respect and self-worth again because of what Jesus did for me is what I desire. But is that desire enough to battle? I suppose, we are at war with ourselves. God is waiting for us to just come.

I’m begging for God’s help. I need Him and I really want to want Him more than the temporary; self-destructive; mind-numbing; sleep-depriving buffet that this world offers.

I have a....vision

I don't even really know how to start this. I'm pretty sure no one reads this which is kind of cool. It lets me express what I want to say without the nag in the back of my mind that people or, rather, certain people are reading. Eh, heck, who cares anyway? I have no secrets. Especially since this last year caused me to lay my body in the street and beg for help. Also, getting a mentor that has kicked my ass. It's been a journey for sure.

I re-read the last post that I put up (last June!...wow!) and it felt very familiar. What I mean is, right now feels a lot like what I felt in those years. Depression. Hurt. Confusion. Brokenness. In 2008, my parents got a divorce. I feel like I talk about this and everything else that has occured a lot with friends, counselor and mentors so we won't really go into all of that. Maybe later. Maybe not. Anyway, I was thinking tonight about some dreams I have. Goals. Wants. Places in life that feel warm, free, and in the element of who I was created to be. Now, I don't have any plans of success or lots of money or sitting next to the Jolie-Pitts at the Academy Awards because, frankly, I could care less and find no happiness in any of that. You know what I would love? More than anything? To transform my body into a man.....haha... Just kidding. That was probably completely uncalled for but (side note) I just watched this documentary on "The Pregnant Man" (who was born a female and changed the outside of the body to look male but kept all her..his... female reproductive organs) and that's where my mind is at because it's SO OUTRAGEOUS! Ok, now back on track... I'd love to find restoration in God's goodness. To recognize, breathe, be passionate over and see the shadows of grace in all areas of life. To not be defined by what's happened to me or what I've done. To let the blood of Jesus be my means and strength in everything I do. To seek out glorifying Him in all things. ALL THINGS. That's the first dream I have which, inevitably, pours into the rest of them.

I have this twisted mindset that it's impossible for men to be faithful. That it's implanted in them, the drive and desire, to seek out more and want more than the beautiful wife God has given him. This doesn't even necessarily mean going out and physically committing adultery. I'm saying, a man who comes home, drops his bag at the door, says hi to the kids, kisses his wife, goes upstairs to change, locks the door and, then, becomes engrossed in mind-destructive pornography and, thus, having no energy to be there to embrace, hold, and be intimate with the REAL body that lays beside him at night. Maybe this is because I've had really crappy examples for husbands and, also, heard my whole life from most of my guy friends that it's been or is an issue. Even though I have trust issues the more I grow I am slowly but surely seeing the good in men. Especially at The Village...but that's another blog. There's a little hope in me that some men, maybe, just maybe, desire nothing more after a day of missing his family at work than to kiss his children and hold his wife from behind as he sees her setting the table. A man that is there. Always there. A man that is passionate, thoughtful, people-serving, selfless, teachable, wise, loving, and merciful. A man that accepts my faults, my junk, my imperfections and, to say, loves me more for them. A man that has contagious humor and makes everyone laugh in the room. A man who I will serve, help, respect, love and brag about. A man that I know will, with no doubt, ever... ever seek out affection from another women or get wrapped up in his false imagination that the wicked computer screens puts off. I just know this kind of man exists. But, here I am, asking a lot of help from a lot of people and seeking out a ton of wisdom so that I can find unshakable hope and joy in the Father's Son and, thus, in return, give my man what he deserves and needs. Now on to some more dreams...

I have always wanted to travel. All over the world. I'd love to for like a year or two pack up all my furniture in storage and leave with a couple suitcases with my husband and go. I want to go to Africa and help out with many orphanages. I want to go to India and tell the widows that they are loved and are not outcasts. I want to go to Europe just because I've always wanted too. I want to go to Ireland and go to the church plant that The Village has planted there. I want to see it all. But of course this little 2 year trip may cost money. I'll start taking donations...now.

I want a gigantic family. Seriously. I would love...LOVE to have like 12 children. One part of me is a tiny bit scared to raise even one child the way the world is, and is continuing to go but I have this crazy dream about raising all this children to be the light that this world is so craving to see. Children that breathe Scripture, fight for Truth, fight for justice for the poor. Children that long to help each other, serve others, and know that they are loved by a compassionate God that placed Himself on this earth, despite their wickedness, to show them how they can live life to the fullest and spend eternity with Him by the cross of Christ. Children that will never know what I've been through. I would love to stay home with my children and raise them by God's grace with a husband that I never before thought existed. I would love to have a massive, God-fearing, loud, soul-mingling family. I would love to have a relationship with my husband that is (although a blessing) not wrapped around having these children. That we are grossly affectionate and passionate for one another. I want to cuddle at 87 years old. I want to die living out exactly what Jesus came on this earth for. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to wake up early in the morning before my family does and meet with the Creator. I want to be defined by Him and what the resurrection brought all my days, not wasting one. Man, I so want this.