I think there is nothing more sad than parents who engrave in their children an arrogance that, ultimately, teaches to be indifferent to the pain and brokenness that completely surrounds them. Seriously. Think about the mass amount of issues that has branched from this idea.
I'm very observant of parents now that I am a full-time caretaker of a child and the most frequent things I see are: gossip around the kids (especially to slander the other parent), ignoring the child for long periods of time due to being attached to the cell phone (and when the kid is going crazy they either get hit or screamed at for their behavior due to not getting attention), TV, just plain "busyness", and alcohol. How can a child learn to communicate, love, invest in, and notice the hurt around the world or even a friend if you communicate to them that nothing, even their own child, matters except getting done or doing what you need to do FOR YOU. It's sad and heartbreaking. More of these technology advances and stress of success will kill the future generations. You can only numb yourself for so long with making money and a new car. A child will reap the chaos of most parents lack of playfulness and communication and then they will become them. Amazing what would happen if children learned to wrap presents at Christmas for other children. Amazing what would happen if parents put down their cell phones. Amazing what would happen if the TV was turned off. I pray for my generation and their kids. God help us.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Katie interviewed my mom and I on the death of my faithful Grandad
THE RIPPLE EFFECT:
How the Death of a Family Member Impacts Lives Directly and Indirectly
Losing a grandparent is always a difficult part of transitioning into adulthood. But for Sarah Welsh, the most difficult aspect of her grandfather’s death in 2006 is the toll it took and has continued to take on her mom, Suzy. However, watching her grandfather’s health slowly and painfully degenerate was not easy.
James Merrell Hobbs, affectionately dubbed by Sarah as “Granddad”, died on February 6, 2006 in a hospital in Lubbock after having suffered from Parkinson’s disease for 8 years. For both Sarah and Suzy, it was especially difficult to see James in his weakened state because they relied on him as a strong and cheerful member of the family. James owned his own business, Team Totes, in Abilene, Texas, which he started after leaving his job as the band director at Sweetwater High to care for his ailing wife. “He was an incredibly hard worker,” Sarah said.
Cecilia, one of the primary employees at Team Totes, was the first to notice signs of abnormality in James’ health while he was working, specifically shakiness and irritability. When Sarah, Suzy, and the rest of their family moved to Abilene in 1998 to help him retire, they began to notice the symptoms too. Even though there is no cure for Parkinson’s disease, with the help of medication it progressed slowly. According to Sarah, her grandfather’s state of health did not start deteriorating rapidly until 2004.
Sarah remembers her mom as her grandfather’s primary caretaker. At times she would drive to his house up to three times a day to feed him. Eventually it became too difficult for James to even eat. “He would cough and choke and it was horrible,” Suzy said. In spring 2005 he was given a feeding tube. In October of 2005, Suzy made the excruciating decision to place her father in a VA hospital in Big Springs, Texas. “I just couldn’t handle it anymore,” Suzy said. “It was overwhelming for her,” Sarah agreed. Even though the VA hospital was farther from Abilene than the family liked, it was the most financially viable option for the family since the World War II veteran received free care. While she realized that she could no longer care for her father and that he needed professional medical treatment, Suzy still felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness and guilt for having to be the one to remove him from his home. “I felt responsible that he lost his life there,” she said.
James was the type of person who saw the good in everything and everybody, even during his time at the VA hospital, which was accompanied by increasing amounts of pain. He accepted his move quietly and without complaint, even making friends at the hospital. Suzy said she thinks “. . . he knew that he would never come out of there. . .”
In fact, his stay only lasted a few months. On January 30, 2006 James fell, breaking his hip and injuring his head. After being transferred to a hospital in Lubbock, Texas he underwent hip replacement surgery but passed away six days later at the age of 85 due to internal bleeding from his head injury and complications resulting from a weakened immune system.
Now, only three and a half years later, the loss is still fresh and the grieving process still a constant reality for Suzy. “I have days that I grieve and other days that are good days,” she says. “I was very close to my father.”
James’ death impacted Sarah differently. Even though she grieves the loss of her grandfather, she feels even more acutely the emotional toll that it took on her mother. “He was my closest grandparent, but the hardest part for me was seeing how it affected my mother,” she said. According to Sarah, Suzy had a very difficult time dealing with her father’s death, which caused her to struggle with depression, which she is still fighting. Sarah said that she only saw her mom crying twice over her grandfather’s death, and that her coping mechanism was sleeping. Sarah emphasized how her grandpa understood her mom in a way no one else did and was her escape and her support. Because they were so close, it was especially traumatic for her to watch him experience so much pain.
While both Sarah and Suzy dealt were impacted by James Hobbs’s death in different ways, they are both still feeling the lingering effects of the death of a loved one. Even though it is over three years now since he passed away, they both still talk about it like it was yesterday.
How the Death of a Family Member Impacts Lives Directly and Indirectly
Losing a grandparent is always a difficult part of transitioning into adulthood. But for Sarah Welsh, the most difficult aspect of her grandfather’s death in 2006 is the toll it took and has continued to take on her mom, Suzy. However, watching her grandfather’s health slowly and painfully degenerate was not easy.
James Merrell Hobbs, affectionately dubbed by Sarah as “Granddad”, died on February 6, 2006 in a hospital in Lubbock after having suffered from Parkinson’s disease for 8 years. For both Sarah and Suzy, it was especially difficult to see James in his weakened state because they relied on him as a strong and cheerful member of the family. James owned his own business, Team Totes, in Abilene, Texas, which he started after leaving his job as the band director at Sweetwater High to care for his ailing wife. “He was an incredibly hard worker,” Sarah said.
Cecilia, one of the primary employees at Team Totes, was the first to notice signs of abnormality in James’ health while he was working, specifically shakiness and irritability. When Sarah, Suzy, and the rest of their family moved to Abilene in 1998 to help him retire, they began to notice the symptoms too. Even though there is no cure for Parkinson’s disease, with the help of medication it progressed slowly. According to Sarah, her grandfather’s state of health did not start deteriorating rapidly until 2004.
Sarah remembers her mom as her grandfather’s primary caretaker. At times she would drive to his house up to three times a day to feed him. Eventually it became too difficult for James to even eat. “He would cough and choke and it was horrible,” Suzy said. In spring 2005 he was given a feeding tube. In October of 2005, Suzy made the excruciating decision to place her father in a VA hospital in Big Springs, Texas. “I just couldn’t handle it anymore,” Suzy said. “It was overwhelming for her,” Sarah agreed. Even though the VA hospital was farther from Abilene than the family liked, it was the most financially viable option for the family since the World War II veteran received free care. While she realized that she could no longer care for her father and that he needed professional medical treatment, Suzy still felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness and guilt for having to be the one to remove him from his home. “I felt responsible that he lost his life there,” she said.
James was the type of person who saw the good in everything and everybody, even during his time at the VA hospital, which was accompanied by increasing amounts of pain. He accepted his move quietly and without complaint, even making friends at the hospital. Suzy said she thinks “. . . he knew that he would never come out of there. . .”
In fact, his stay only lasted a few months. On January 30, 2006 James fell, breaking his hip and injuring his head. After being transferred to a hospital in Lubbock, Texas he underwent hip replacement surgery but passed away six days later at the age of 85 due to internal bleeding from his head injury and complications resulting from a weakened immune system.
Now, only three and a half years later, the loss is still fresh and the grieving process still a constant reality for Suzy. “I have days that I grieve and other days that are good days,” she says. “I was very close to my father.”
James’ death impacted Sarah differently. Even though she grieves the loss of her grandfather, she feels even more acutely the emotional toll that it took on her mother. “He was my closest grandparent, but the hardest part for me was seeing how it affected my mother,” she said. According to Sarah, Suzy had a very difficult time dealing with her father’s death, which caused her to struggle with depression, which she is still fighting. Sarah said that she only saw her mom crying twice over her grandfather’s death, and that her coping mechanism was sleeping. Sarah emphasized how her grandpa understood her mom in a way no one else did and was her escape and her support. Because they were so close, it was especially traumatic for her to watch him experience so much pain.
While both Sarah and Suzy dealt were impacted by James Hobbs’s death in different ways, they are both still feeling the lingering effects of the death of a loved one. Even though it is over three years now since he passed away, they both still talk about it like it was yesterday.
Monday, September 7, 2009
God's grace is not a cheap exchange. You struggle is no quick fix.
The second you believe you've got it together is the moment you have set yourself up for more failure. You’ll never get it right on your own. Realize that this side of Heaven is a day-by-day run. A meal-by-meal journey. We are taught to quick fix situations and then go to work. God’s mercies are new EVERY MORNING. Not every 5 years. Every morning you need Him. Every day we ask for it. Go to war for holiness. Plead with Him to lead you. Battle for the sake of the grace that’s been given. Know God. Meet with Him. Talk with Him. Take in that you can’t do it without him THIS DAY. You will struggle. Know it. Be honest with Him. All He’s ever asked for is your broken, repentant, and contrite heart.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Go
I think that, maybe, there are such specific desires in our hearts and inescapable thoughts that no matter how hard we try to just “let go and let God” - it’s there. I feel there should be wise counsel to help distinguish between what is a poor idea and truth but I also feel that so many of us are waiting for God in anguish over trying so hard to ignore these desires and callings and it’s been Him the whole time telling you to get up and follow Him towards it. Walk out the door and make it happen. I think that’s the core of what it means to trust Him. Not sitting around and hoping it falls into your lap. Time is short.
Monday, July 27, 2009
God changes hearts - according to His plan
It’s quite humorous the truth behind, “because you just said that now it’ll probably happen.”
Such as, “I’ll never be a mom…I’ll never be a pastor…I‘ll never marry…”
Up until a few short years ago; even the thought of marrying into ministry was so bitter tasting. I mean really. It’s not that I don’t love Jesus (hopefully it’s obvious I do) but because I’d lived being a Preacher’s kid for 18 years I surely didn’t want to live that life all over again. I would also scoff at stay-at-home moms. All I could think of were all the opportunities…all the other things you could do and you choose to stay home and change diapers and pick up cheerios all day. But that's how I saw it then. I also said I would never be a teacher.
Funny how God works. It’s pretty awesome how much He’s changed my heart on these things. In fact, I think about it all on a daily basis. How there’s nothing more in this world that I want than a man who has a missional and ministry based heart. A man who had dedicated his life to teaching Truth and knowing God. Daily I pray for him. I can’t wait for the day to hold my child. His children. I pray God blesses me with many. Maybe God has even planned for some incredible and specifically gifted children in the world that he’s picked out just for us to adopt. To call our own. There's also such beauty behind the thought of having a baby that is made by the love of my husband and I and by the glory and majesty of God. Knowing I have a responsibly to love, cherish, cuddle and laugh with, discipline, and teach this grace to God's child that He has blessed me with is so huge...and so wonderful. I love that I get the privilege to teach my children to be the light that this world is searching for. I pray daily that God’s saved their little souls and that they follow up with an obedience that changes peoples lives. Such a beautiful thought.
Now, I can’t think of anything I would rather do in this entire world than to raise my children at home. The thought used to scare me. Almost frustrating to me because I'd always wanted "to do big and great things." I didn’t want to be a typical stay-at-home/home-schooled mom. Well, I still don't want to be typical. Like I said, this isn’t something I’ve been dreaming of forever. I fought it for many years. Maybe it’s because growing up I saw it done so poorly. Almost wickedly. There was this arrogance and pride that came with families who home-schooled their children. Like if you didn’t make your own clothes, have the books of the bible memorized to a tune, listened to secular music and if you had drums and electric guitar in your worship band then Jesus didn’t die for you. The women were always so in-your-face and domineering. The husbands just followed her rule in the home. Or the women were so secluded that she rarely made an apperance because she couldn't seperate herself from her kids. So the idea of raising my children and being creative and planning all kinds of things to do and camping in the backyard and randomly going on hikes just to see God’s glory is all new for me. It’s not a feeling of it being my only option. It’s definitely not a feeling of obligation. I feel like maybe there‘s another way to do it. A beauty and a tightness that is unshakable. A structure but a freedom to give children. To teach them to venture, pursue and seek to know God on their own. Not vicariously through us. I want them to wrestle with hard truths. not just believe because we believe them. To doubt. To be assured. To struggle hard so they can see God’s mercy. To be blessed so they can know His grace. I want them to know they are sinners and in need of Jesus. I pray they hear it. I love that God is molding my heart into something I had no part in. I love that each day is an opportunity to spend time with women to help me grow. I love that I’m a nanny so I can learn huge things before I get the blessing of having my own children. Don't get me wrong...it's difficult. Sometimes, I have really hard days with the little guy. But the opportunity has grown me tremendously. I struggle with being single but I know this season is so precious and vital to experiencing Him fully, without distraction, so that I might be the best wife and momma someday when He wills. If He wills. Either way, my heart is His and I trust in His plans and the powerful desires He has put in me. This is my journey of being sanctified to, in every step, in every joy and struggle, know Him more.
Such as, “I’ll never be a mom…I’ll never be a pastor…I‘ll never marry…”
Up until a few short years ago; even the thought of marrying into ministry was so bitter tasting. I mean really. It’s not that I don’t love Jesus (hopefully it’s obvious I do) but because I’d lived being a Preacher’s kid for 18 years I surely didn’t want to live that life all over again. I would also scoff at stay-at-home moms. All I could think of were all the opportunities…all the other things you could do and you choose to stay home and change diapers and pick up cheerios all day. But that's how I saw it then. I also said I would never be a teacher.
Funny how God works. It’s pretty awesome how much He’s changed my heart on these things. In fact, I think about it all on a daily basis. How there’s nothing more in this world that I want than a man who has a missional and ministry based heart. A man who had dedicated his life to teaching Truth and knowing God. Daily I pray for him. I can’t wait for the day to hold my child. His children. I pray God blesses me with many. Maybe God has even planned for some incredible and specifically gifted children in the world that he’s picked out just for us to adopt. To call our own. There's also such beauty behind the thought of having a baby that is made by the love of my husband and I and by the glory and majesty of God. Knowing I have a responsibly to love, cherish, cuddle and laugh with, discipline, and teach this grace to God's child that He has blessed me with is so huge...and so wonderful. I love that I get the privilege to teach my children to be the light that this world is searching for. I pray daily that God’s saved their little souls and that they follow up with an obedience that changes peoples lives. Such a beautiful thought.
Now, I can’t think of anything I would rather do in this entire world than to raise my children at home. The thought used to scare me. Almost frustrating to me because I'd always wanted "to do big and great things." I didn’t want to be a typical stay-at-home/home-schooled mom. Well, I still don't want to be typical. Like I said, this isn’t something I’ve been dreaming of forever. I fought it for many years. Maybe it’s because growing up I saw it done so poorly. Almost wickedly. There was this arrogance and pride that came with families who home-schooled their children. Like if you didn’t make your own clothes, have the books of the bible memorized to a tune, listened to secular music and if you had drums and electric guitar in your worship band then Jesus didn’t die for you. The women were always so in-your-face and domineering. The husbands just followed her rule in the home. Or the women were so secluded that she rarely made an apperance because she couldn't seperate herself from her kids. So the idea of raising my children and being creative and planning all kinds of things to do and camping in the backyard and randomly going on hikes just to see God’s glory is all new for me. It’s not a feeling of it being my only option. It’s definitely not a feeling of obligation. I feel like maybe there‘s another way to do it. A beauty and a tightness that is unshakable. A structure but a freedom to give children. To teach them to venture, pursue and seek to know God on their own. Not vicariously through us. I want them to wrestle with hard truths. not just believe because we believe them. To doubt. To be assured. To struggle hard so they can see God’s mercy. To be blessed so they can know His grace. I want them to know they are sinners and in need of Jesus. I pray they hear it. I love that God is molding my heart into something I had no part in. I love that each day is an opportunity to spend time with women to help me grow. I love that I’m a nanny so I can learn huge things before I get the blessing of having my own children. Don't get me wrong...it's difficult. Sometimes, I have really hard days with the little guy. But the opportunity has grown me tremendously. I struggle with being single but I know this season is so precious and vital to experiencing Him fully, without distraction, so that I might be the best wife and momma someday when He wills. If He wills. Either way, my heart is His and I trust in His plans and the powerful desires He has put in me. This is my journey of being sanctified to, in every step, in every joy and struggle, know Him more.
Friday, July 24, 2009
this is a fight to be a Hosea and a journey to not be a Gomer
If there’s anything at all that I’m passionate about it’s helping people find their worth in the cross of Christ. In the reality of what’s been given to them. In the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. In the fact that our God’s flesh was literally ripped off so that we could live a joyous life with Him here on earth and in heaven. Not a life defined by men, not in women, not in a job, not in your children, not in your parent’s approval, not in your schoolwork, not in your success, not in feeding the poor, not in your education, not in what level you get to on Halo, not by how well you play the guitar. In Christ alone. And once your identity is in Christ then your spouse, your child, your job, your hobby becomes secondary to Him.
Being a woman, I get them. I understand their pain, their protective shell they build around them, the over-consuming desire to feel loved, the desperation to be wanted. I get it. And that’s why this blog is going to be very candid. This is for the men in understanding our hearts. This is to plead with you, to beg you to strive to be a Hosea to the Gomers of this world. I pray God also, even if just one, pulls the curtain from a girls eyes who has, her whole life, been addicted to chaos and suffering because that’s all she’s ever known. I pray you men help her get there. Not ignore her. And definitely not give in to her seduction.
Before I give statistics I want share my heart. I’m going to go ahead and say what caused me to write this out of the gate. It is exhausting and terrifying to hear my guy friends/acquaintances tell me they look at pornography. It even more angers me to see their sadness but not sense a hint of longing to, in anyway, change or repent of it. I had one guy excuse his addition by saying, “I’m not actually hurting or touching her. There’s no emotional connection that has to be involved.“ I had another guy tell me, “Sarah, all men look at pornography. You just have to realize that.“ They struggled for so long that they no longer feel guilty. They no longer care. It’s just what they struggle with and everyone is going to have to expect it. Let me just say, that I know this is a battle and it’s not easy to conquer but it’s a whole different monster when you’ve just submitted to being stupid and ignore the effects it has on you. I wonder if you men really understood the life story behind the girl you look at on the computer - just so you can get a few seconds of pleasure - if it would change your heart towards what you're seeing. I wonder if you men really understood the hurt behind women, the pain we carry, and the battle we have to fight because of men who became so numb to seeing us as toys rather than a daughter of the King. A princess, if you will. And what angers me so much is that the leaders of the church have caused much of this pain. I don’t know what happened or who decided it to be a good idea to walk away from the broken but it’s draining to pick up your junk. Why are the young men told that if a girl dresses immodestly, is into you, is flirty, is broken, is dysfunctional then you are to ignore her. I mean really. What makes any part of that like Jesus Christ? Let me put it this way. What if we started to have repentant, self-controlled, humble, and loving men who, instead of acted as if these women are unseen, started to show her God’s love. Yeah, it makes sense if you’re addicted to sex and not genuinely and affectionately passionate about the Gospel that you'd ignore her. You've got to hide so no one realizes what's really going on in your head so you just avoid the situation. I mean, please do leave her alone. The last thing she needs is you. But what if, instead of giving her a look of disgust because of the way she dresses, made she sure felt beautiful. What if you brought out the image of God in her. What if you showed her that her worth was in Christ. It makes complete sense to me that a prostitute who was thrown down the stairs and or just plainly neglected by her family and then raped multiple times by all her boyfriends turns away from the church because she would rather get attention and feel wanted, even at the expense of being hit, than to be ignored. Another piece of advice I don't understand that's given is if you sense a girl is into you then you completely stop talking to her. I mean, in some instances this may seem right but I can honestly say that in my own experiences and all the other experiences I've seen this only makes the girl more bitter and sad. Usually ending very angry. Why don't you talk to her about how you feel? Tell her, gently, that you feel it would be wrong of you to lead her on. That you care about her and want to look out for her safety and that it would not be loving or wise if you two dated. Sure, it would hurt. But not as much as you just walking away and hoping the situation fixes itself. Which really, it just leaves more of a mess for the next guy. We need clarification. Not boys who coward over uncomfortable situations. I can’t even begin to tell you the impact that it would make on an abused girls life if we had men that fought for their true beauty. Men that protested against pornography. Not lived a life supporting the girls abuse in their closet. Men who pursued them. Hosea's who were patient and faithful to the end. Men who loved them. Men who didn’t blame them and looked at the heart of the issue. Men that understood why she dressed like that. Men that got that we were created to be wanted. We were created to be pursued. So wouldn’t it make sense that if we were created to be protected, to be helpers and lovers but instead was hit, lied to, left alone, pinned down and raped, look at as objects that their would be a serious amount of psychological torture?
Here are some quotes from an x-prostitute:
“I felt lied to, cheated, violated, I felt that sex was an evil act of domination, not real love…there were times that I wanted to really hurt my customers, because if I could get them back with the abuse that they were forcing on me and my friends….I could at least appease my pain and insanity—and justify revenge for all the girls that have been hurt or killed.” (Annie Lobert, , former prostitute and stripper, 2006)
“I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere, I couldn’t function socially as a human being, and when I did go somewhere, I felt everyone knew what I used to do for a living….I felt dirty, cheated, disrespected, violated, a worthless individual to society. I didn’t know who “Annie” was anymore. I often wanted to end my very own life. This is a battlefield of the mind—and if you don’t get out and get help, you will lose your very own soul and go completely insane.” (Annie Lobert , former prostitute and stripper, 2006)
Here is also some statistics on prostitution and pornography (all of this is from http://powerhouse-ministry.org/annielobert_prostitution.aspx):
Raped: 82% --many women in this business are confused of the definition of rape. If rape is as unwanted sex act or coerced, then the statistic would be a much higher percentage. Some women in prostitution assume there is no difference between prostitution and rape, and they only call it rape if they were not paid, regardless of the violence of the act—asking them is like asking someone in a combat zone if they are under fire. A significant percentage of women currently prostituting deny rape and other violence because it would be too stressful to acknowledge the extreme danger posed by johns and pimps!
Raped more than five times: 73%
Current or past homelessness: 84%
As a child, was hit or beaten by a caregiver until injured or bruised: 49%
Sexually abused as a child: 65-95%
PROSTITUTION AND PORNOGRAPHY
Upset by an attempt to make them do what had been seen in pornography: 32%
Pornography made of her in prostitution: 49%
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL USAGE
Drugs: 75%
Alcohol: 26%
WHEN ASKED “WHAT DO YOU NEED?” TO PROSTITUTES
Would you leave prostitution: 87%
Need home or safe place: 78%
Need job training: 73%
Need health care: 58%
Need peer support: 50%
Need legal assistance: 42%
Need alcohol and drug treatment: 67%
Self defense training: 49%
Every time you say, “Those girls like what they do”-- pick up a ”porn" magazine, watch a ”porn” video, click onto that website, call that lady of the night, listen to music that degrades women (most hip hop) or go to that bachelor party, strip club, know this:
It could be your sister, your mother, your best friends girl—and then think, is it all really worth the “thrill” of self gratification that lasts only a couple minutes? You are destroying lives of countless women while you do it—feeding the monster the sex industry has become. And now YOU are part of it too….for there must be ENABLERS to create VICTIMS. - Annie Lobert
Men: Please, I beg you, to get help if you are addicted to sex. We need you, who profess the saving blood of Christ, to stand up and be real men for these women. It’s not always up to the women to help women. It’s impossible to do when she was created to be loved yet you tell her she’s just worth the pleasure she gives you. Or she's worth being ignored because her issues are too much for you to handle. Get in counseling, Get accountability. Get into a church. Stop going into the closet. Stop wasting all that God given energy to hide and use it to glorify Jesus by protecting His daughters. Find Jesus.
Women: Some of you are sinfully addicted to suffering. I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt. I know most of you have been. I’m sorry your dad never cuddled with you or said I love you or talked to you about the dangers of boys. I’m sorry you have felt like you needed to go to these punks to feel loved. But here’s the deal. You have responsibility too. The greatest battle is acknowledging all that's happened to you. So many women have been raped and then brush it under the rug. So many of you were never cared for or adored like you should have been. Just because you weren't particually raped or physically abused that doesn't mean everything is ok. There is a reason why you keep going for guy after guy. There's a reason you keep going after a particular punk who could care less about you. That's a heart issue. Nothing small enough to just ignore. Because if you do, which most of you do, then it will always...always come back at you if not wrestled with. Kind of like men who are addicted to pornography but then close the door behind them. Even if you don't see it, these things start molding you if you don't conquer them. They affect your attitude, they reflect your heart, your lifestyle, and even your dreams. This is where God has gifted people to be counselors and help you work through this stuff. I have told many women countless times (I, myself, have been in counseling on and off throughout my life because of bitterness…I get it) that, by the blood and cross of Christ, you are defined by Him. I am not Sarah the daughter, Sarah the nanny, Sarah the best friend, Sarah the student. I am a sinner. A SINNER saved by undeserving grace by a God who chose me to be His child. That is your confidence, your life-blood, your identity. But we need help. Stop, for the sake of what Christ has done, stop giving yourself to these fools who think of you as a toy. Who may know your favorite color and favorite song and favorite ice cream but doesn’t see your soul, your beauty, your love. You are a toy to them and you know it. As hard as it’s been to believe there are men out there who want to love you, honor you, respect you. Be the best daddies to your children. Men that are passionate about you. Men that would never ever ever hurt you and has dedicated his life to making sure no one does. Men that would lay their life down for you. Men that will never leave. And, also, stop settling for guys because they are just merely nice. Find a Godly man. There are a lot of guys that will open their door for you and carry on a good conversation with your momma but few who will put down his life and lead his family in bible studies, prayer and use many hours that he could have wasted on a hobby but invested them in your children and conversation and intimacy with you. As my pastor says, “they are a rare breed but they’re out there.” They really are. In the meantime, find God. Get in a church, Get accountability. Many of you need to be in counseling. Many churches offer this. Call them. You've got to want it. I pray you do. Your addiction to chaos and suffering when you know you can get out is just as sinful as the man who only wants you for his pleasure. For it’s how you see yourself. You are strong, you are beautiful and you are worth it. Find Jesus.
Being a woman, I get them. I understand their pain, their protective shell they build around them, the over-consuming desire to feel loved, the desperation to be wanted. I get it. And that’s why this blog is going to be very candid. This is for the men in understanding our hearts. This is to plead with you, to beg you to strive to be a Hosea to the Gomers of this world. I pray God also, even if just one, pulls the curtain from a girls eyes who has, her whole life, been addicted to chaos and suffering because that’s all she’s ever known. I pray you men help her get there. Not ignore her. And definitely not give in to her seduction.
Before I give statistics I want share my heart. I’m going to go ahead and say what caused me to write this out of the gate. It is exhausting and terrifying to hear my guy friends/acquaintances tell me they look at pornography. It even more angers me to see their sadness but not sense a hint of longing to, in anyway, change or repent of it. I had one guy excuse his addition by saying, “I’m not actually hurting or touching her. There’s no emotional connection that has to be involved.“ I had another guy tell me, “Sarah, all men look at pornography. You just have to realize that.“ They struggled for so long that they no longer feel guilty. They no longer care. It’s just what they struggle with and everyone is going to have to expect it. Let me just say, that I know this is a battle and it’s not easy to conquer but it’s a whole different monster when you’ve just submitted to being stupid and ignore the effects it has on you. I wonder if you men really understood the life story behind the girl you look at on the computer - just so you can get a few seconds of pleasure - if it would change your heart towards what you're seeing. I wonder if you men really understood the hurt behind women, the pain we carry, and the battle we have to fight because of men who became so numb to seeing us as toys rather than a daughter of the King. A princess, if you will. And what angers me so much is that the leaders of the church have caused much of this pain. I don’t know what happened or who decided it to be a good idea to walk away from the broken but it’s draining to pick up your junk. Why are the young men told that if a girl dresses immodestly, is into you, is flirty, is broken, is dysfunctional then you are to ignore her. I mean really. What makes any part of that like Jesus Christ? Let me put it this way. What if we started to have repentant, self-controlled, humble, and loving men who, instead of acted as if these women are unseen, started to show her God’s love. Yeah, it makes sense if you’re addicted to sex and not genuinely and affectionately passionate about the Gospel that you'd ignore her. You've got to hide so no one realizes what's really going on in your head so you just avoid the situation. I mean, please do leave her alone. The last thing she needs is you. But what if, instead of giving her a look of disgust because of the way she dresses, made she sure felt beautiful. What if you brought out the image of God in her. What if you showed her that her worth was in Christ. It makes complete sense to me that a prostitute who was thrown down the stairs and or just plainly neglected by her family and then raped multiple times by all her boyfriends turns away from the church because she would rather get attention and feel wanted, even at the expense of being hit, than to be ignored. Another piece of advice I don't understand that's given is if you sense a girl is into you then you completely stop talking to her. I mean, in some instances this may seem right but I can honestly say that in my own experiences and all the other experiences I've seen this only makes the girl more bitter and sad. Usually ending very angry. Why don't you talk to her about how you feel? Tell her, gently, that you feel it would be wrong of you to lead her on. That you care about her and want to look out for her safety and that it would not be loving or wise if you two dated. Sure, it would hurt. But not as much as you just walking away and hoping the situation fixes itself. Which really, it just leaves more of a mess for the next guy. We need clarification. Not boys who coward over uncomfortable situations. I can’t even begin to tell you the impact that it would make on an abused girls life if we had men that fought for their true beauty. Men that protested against pornography. Not lived a life supporting the girls abuse in their closet. Men who pursued them. Hosea's who were patient and faithful to the end. Men who loved them. Men who didn’t blame them and looked at the heart of the issue. Men that understood why she dressed like that. Men that got that we were created to be wanted. We were created to be pursued. So wouldn’t it make sense that if we were created to be protected, to be helpers and lovers but instead was hit, lied to, left alone, pinned down and raped, look at as objects that their would be a serious amount of psychological torture?
Here are some quotes from an x-prostitute:
“I felt lied to, cheated, violated, I felt that sex was an evil act of domination, not real love…there were times that I wanted to really hurt my customers, because if I could get them back with the abuse that they were forcing on me and my friends….I could at least appease my pain and insanity—and justify revenge for all the girls that have been hurt or killed.” (Annie Lobert, , former prostitute and stripper, 2006)
“I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere, I couldn’t function socially as a human being, and when I did go somewhere, I felt everyone knew what I used to do for a living….I felt dirty, cheated, disrespected, violated, a worthless individual to society. I didn’t know who “Annie” was anymore. I often wanted to end my very own life. This is a battlefield of the mind—and if you don’t get out and get help, you will lose your very own soul and go completely insane.” (Annie Lobert , former prostitute and stripper, 2006)
Here is also some statistics on prostitution and pornography (all of this is from http://powerhouse-ministry.org/annielobert_prostitution.aspx):
Raped: 82% --many women in this business are confused of the definition of rape. If rape is as unwanted sex act or coerced, then the statistic would be a much higher percentage. Some women in prostitution assume there is no difference between prostitution and rape, and they only call it rape if they were not paid, regardless of the violence of the act—asking them is like asking someone in a combat zone if they are under fire. A significant percentage of women currently prostituting deny rape and other violence because it would be too stressful to acknowledge the extreme danger posed by johns and pimps!
Raped more than five times: 73%
Current or past homelessness: 84%
As a child, was hit or beaten by a caregiver until injured or bruised: 49%
Sexually abused as a child: 65-95%
PROSTITUTION AND PORNOGRAPHY
Upset by an attempt to make them do what had been seen in pornography: 32%
Pornography made of her in prostitution: 49%
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL USAGE
Drugs: 75%
Alcohol: 26%
WHEN ASKED “WHAT DO YOU NEED?” TO PROSTITUTES
Would you leave prostitution: 87%
Need home or safe place: 78%
Need job training: 73%
Need health care: 58%
Need peer support: 50%
Need legal assistance: 42%
Need alcohol and drug treatment: 67%
Self defense training: 49%
Every time you say, “Those girls like what they do”-- pick up a ”porn" magazine, watch a ”porn” video, click onto that website, call that lady of the night, listen to music that degrades women (most hip hop) or go to that bachelor party, strip club, know this:
It could be your sister, your mother, your best friends girl—and then think, is it all really worth the “thrill” of self gratification that lasts only a couple minutes? You are destroying lives of countless women while you do it—feeding the monster the sex industry has become. And now YOU are part of it too….for there must be ENABLERS to create VICTIMS. - Annie Lobert
Men: Please, I beg you, to get help if you are addicted to sex. We need you, who profess the saving blood of Christ, to stand up and be real men for these women. It’s not always up to the women to help women. It’s impossible to do when she was created to be loved yet you tell her she’s just worth the pleasure she gives you. Or she's worth being ignored because her issues are too much for you to handle. Get in counseling, Get accountability. Get into a church. Stop going into the closet. Stop wasting all that God given energy to hide and use it to glorify Jesus by protecting His daughters. Find Jesus.
Women: Some of you are sinfully addicted to suffering. I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt. I know most of you have been. I’m sorry your dad never cuddled with you or said I love you or talked to you about the dangers of boys. I’m sorry you have felt like you needed to go to these punks to feel loved. But here’s the deal. You have responsibility too. The greatest battle is acknowledging all that's happened to you. So many women have been raped and then brush it under the rug. So many of you were never cared for or adored like you should have been. Just because you weren't particually raped or physically abused that doesn't mean everything is ok. There is a reason why you keep going for guy after guy. There's a reason you keep going after a particular punk who could care less about you. That's a heart issue. Nothing small enough to just ignore. Because if you do, which most of you do, then it will always...always come back at you if not wrestled with. Kind of like men who are addicted to pornography but then close the door behind them. Even if you don't see it, these things start molding you if you don't conquer them. They affect your attitude, they reflect your heart, your lifestyle, and even your dreams. This is where God has gifted people to be counselors and help you work through this stuff. I have told many women countless times (I, myself, have been in counseling on and off throughout my life because of bitterness…I get it) that, by the blood and cross of Christ, you are defined by Him. I am not Sarah the daughter, Sarah the nanny, Sarah the best friend, Sarah the student. I am a sinner. A SINNER saved by undeserving grace by a God who chose me to be His child. That is your confidence, your life-blood, your identity. But we need help. Stop, for the sake of what Christ has done, stop giving yourself to these fools who think of you as a toy. Who may know your favorite color and favorite song and favorite ice cream but doesn’t see your soul, your beauty, your love. You are a toy to them and you know it. As hard as it’s been to believe there are men out there who want to love you, honor you, respect you. Be the best daddies to your children. Men that are passionate about you. Men that would never ever ever hurt you and has dedicated his life to making sure no one does. Men that would lay their life down for you. Men that will never leave. And, also, stop settling for guys because they are just merely nice. Find a Godly man. There are a lot of guys that will open their door for you and carry on a good conversation with your momma but few who will put down his life and lead his family in bible studies, prayer and use many hours that he could have wasted on a hobby but invested them in your children and conversation and intimacy with you. As my pastor says, “they are a rare breed but they’re out there.” They really are. In the meantime, find God. Get in a church, Get accountability. Many of you need to be in counseling. Many churches offer this. Call them. You've got to want it. I pray you do. Your addiction to chaos and suffering when you know you can get out is just as sinful as the man who only wants you for his pleasure. For it’s how you see yourself. You are strong, you are beautiful and you are worth it. Find Jesus.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
